Dance or Drop Dead

Closing 2008

2008-12-31T22:47:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year!

Komikon 2008 at the UP Bahay ng Alumni

2008-11-24T13:51:00.001+08:00

Bought

- 3 copies of Kiko Machine’s latest then had them signed by Manix Abrera

- 2 copies of Zsa Zsa compilation then had them signed by Carlo Vergara. I’m giving away my unsigned copy

- 2 copies of Bayan Knights and had them signed by Gilbert Monsanto

- 1 copy each of Skyworld issues #1 and #2 both signed by Ian Sta. Maria

I purposely didn’t get the boyfriend anything because I didn’t want to add to his already large pile of “books to read.”

And I’d have bought more comics if I had brought more money. Which ofcourse would be a mistake because I’d have no money left to buy Christmas gifts. But there’s just so much energy in the hall and the comics are really beautiful – such talent gives you another reason to be proud of the Filipino.

2 Dreams

2008-11-24T13:43:00.002+08:00

Dream #1

I smoked a cigarette. Felt so guilty after smoking. Kept thinking that Peter would break up with me once he finds out.

Dream #2

I went inside a Dairy Queen store - felt like I was in Fort Bonifacio. Checked out how much the strawberry ice cream cake costs. Then stepped out of the store.

meme

2008-11-24T13:15:00.001+08:00

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post that sentence along with these instructions in your blog.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

* * * * * *

There are two ways of preparing the closing entry (ies): 1. the single-step closing entry; and 2. the multi-step closing entry.

-Accounting for Non-Accountants (Text and Cases)

Happy Anniversary

2008-11-03T14:44:00.001+08:00

Stargazers. That is what they are called. We were walking around Serendra in Fort Bonifacio, Taguig when he asked if we could check out the flower section at Market! Market!. The flower stall owners were setting up for the next day, the first of November… All Saints’ Day. It was almost midnight when he said “Happy anniversary babe” while handing me the pink stargazers.

We spent the night at the pad in Eastwood, Libis. Before heading home the next day we dropped by Starbucks for morning coffee. We were the only ones with flowers on our table. Stargazers in a bottle of Evian even.

After a while you get used to the stares. After a while you meet the stares of strangers and smile back while carrying a bottle (?) of flowers with your left hand, and your right hand wrapped around the waist of your boyfriend.

Happy anniversary babe.

Loose Screw or Mind Fuck

2008-10-14T09:12:00.002+08:00

I’m made to feel that what I have been doing for about six years now has been a waste of time and that for all my actions “they” have found no merit whatsoever in my passion. It is ironic that the institutions that I have purposely avoided for what they stand for are contradictory to my principles, are the same institutions I’ve currently chosen to save me from my present laughable or rather undesirable state. In account of my of own self-worth, it truly is demeaning to experience the kind of treatment that I subjected myself to when I bothered to approach them fully-aware beforehand yet hopeful nonetheless that they still haven’t lost of their humanity.

Perhaps, a shot in the head would have hurt so much less. If it weren’t for supportive friends, family and the boyfriend I’d be ranting through other venues, embarrassing myself for doing so – allowing such common matters to consume me this long. Although the whole experience does put things into perspective especially with a similar incident at work that happened just last week wherein the consultant (a former strategist for the Department of National Defense) advised me that the setback caused by the presence of other parties who’d do anything to stop us isn’t enough reason to stop pursuing our goals.

That wasn’t six years down the drain either. Eventually I told a friend who bothered to console me that it’s unfair to consider meaningless my work – a result of my having been brought up by my parents (1) a little bit more provided for such that I don’t waste my time hungry for wealth or power, and (2) considerate of the welfare of others.

Maybe this is why I ended up in a drinking party last Friday and Saturday. Overflowing martinis, vodkas, tequilas, beer, and wine... All the Mudslides, Jagermeister, Baileys, Absolut, Cuervo, and San Miguel you want. I still had control of myself ofcourse. I wouldn’t want to have my boyfriend carry me back to the flat for being too selfish and indulgent.

* * * * * * *

Peejei: I hope you appreciate my work. It matters that you do.

Peter: I do babe. *mwah*

School Bull

2008-10-06T12:40:00.002+08:00

This term’s proving to be interesting.

One particular classmate from two of my classes this term stands out for the wrong reasons.

After our brief election/appointment of class officers last Friday, someone else from class informed me that he protested his being finance officer and that he wanted the public relations officer position which was what I ended up with.

Same guy is seated in the row in front of me in one of my classes. He keeps looking my way that even my seatmate noticed (I have to say this so I don’t come out as desperately imagining things). “Peej, why does he keep looking at you?”

And two weeks ago, while waiting for class to start, we were the only ones in the classroom… I was busy reading for class when he just stood in front of me, turned his back against me, drank his water then flexed his muscles. What the hell was that about?

Is there something going on here? I mean, I’m not really smart when it comes to these things.

Did I mention he’s hot? Some Chinese-mestizo stud. But yeah, NOT interested. Funny guy.

The September Update

2008-09-25T08:50:00.002+08:00

He told me he wants us to go to Cambodia next year. I’m guessing this would be after we both finish our degrees in business school. But while I do plan to enroll for another program right after graduation I think I can accommodate a short trip. Ofcourse this is all subject to the availability of funds - funds for my own expenses to be precise. Visiting Malaysia, Laos, and Cambodia would be a great opportunity to hook up with friends I haven’t seen in about 3 years. I wonder if they still remember me.

Losing sleep even more this month of September because of the bar exams. Although I’ve been getting out of bed one hour earlier on Sundays as compared to my waking hours during work days there seems to be no indication whatsoever of me looking a lot more stressed out than I already am. It’s like family bar operations for the sister. The moment she enters the bar site mom and I would just be reading until she comes out again for lunch. The ritual is repeated for the afternoon.

For the usual news, work’s still the same - days still vary from “fine” to “what-the-fuck-is-the-point-of-all-this.” After their taking away all my regular functions and leaving me with handling that special project I have been doing so much less this past two months or so. The superiors are supportive of my being in grad school and they still insist that I should go back to being a law student after MBA. It’s as if they’ve been possessed by my mother.

The new team I’m currently working with is a joke. One pretends to think, one talks too much while the other is more negative than I am. Also, the last two hunger for constant attention. Complaining to the supervisor’s been nothing but futile. “You have to be nice to them?” blah blah blah I don’t like them so we’re having one reassigned to another office, and the other two are getting fired.

L'amant Jaloux

2008-08-11T12:51:00.000+08:00

I dreamt of business statistics last night. The school work for this class alone is almost as much as the normal workload for three subjects in grad school. I had given my entire Sunday to working on a new problem set due tomorrow. I love the class but the workload the professor’s giving is really... The professor’s very inconsiderate.

I have a 722-page guide to study for a project at work. The same project where I get to deal with a group of people from Georgetown University, West Point and Northwestern University. This is the same project involving another group of rich guys being led by someone against the first group mentioned. And I’m not supposed to take a side. The one from West Point and NU used to teach in my current school – the same subject I dreamt about last night.

Hell-week for grad school by the end of the month. A one-week break before the start of the next term. Done enlisting for subjects last week. Need an adjustment. Forgot that Mondays are reserved for the boyfriend.

Looking for another job, preferably with the defense department.

Sada’s 27th Birthday…

2008-07-31T09:16:00.001+08:00

I waited outside his classroom last night

Brought one of his favorite cakes from Chocolate Kiss

And a shirt placed in a bright blue paper bag with pink handles

You should’ve seen his smile

You should’ve seen my smile

Funny, I was so happy and yet it wasn’t my birthday

SONA 2008

2008-07-28T12:53:00.001+08:00

Earlier this month I had attended the Corporate Social Responsibility Conference organized by the League of Corporate Foundations. My supervisor and I were invited as guests by one of the members of the American Chamber of Commerce of the Philippines. Whether or not they accorded us the invitation to improve our relations on working on our current project I am thankful for having been there for even just the luncheon meeting on the first day of the event. I had gone back to the office that day knowing that the private sector’s involvement (specifically the big businesses) in social reform programs has greatly evolved and will continue to contribute significantly in improving the lives of the Filipino people. Familiar faces in the crowd as well as on stage. They are figures whose commitment to improving the social conditions of the country has left quite an impression on me even before attending the said event.

I had found myself sharing the same table with the head of marketing of one of the top real estate developers in the country. We met sometime during the first quarter of the year to explore the possibility of a partnership between his corporation and my office. While seated on my right was the vice-president for the Indonesian office of another popular international organization.

While registering I noticed a book by the Management Association of the Philippines (MAP) displayed on the registration desk. After browsing the contents and reading the review on the inside cover I felt it a must to acquire a copy of the book. With the youth as its target reader, the book’s collection of essays tell of 51 of the country’s prime movers in the private and government sectors whose passion in aiding the country serves as an inspiration and provides hope to everyone that if society acts and changes its mindset of leaving everything to the government, the nation would be in a much better state Through partnerships with other corporations, support for NGO programs/projects, initiation of corporate social responsibility programs, and for a few, the incorporation of such a thrust to the organization’s main objectives translates to good business.

Today, 28 July 2008, the President shall once again address the country through the State of the Nation. This will be her eighth SONA. Some have even provided a list of seven curses for her seven years of occupying the presidency. These curses are:

a country unable to feed its people
worsening poverty and increasing inequity
deteriorating basic social services
cancer of corruption
wanton abuse of presidential power
an illegitimate president
a nation robbed

As someone who works in government, who had worked in non-government agencies, and has been schooled in one of the country’s supposed “breeding grounds for activists” I have adopted a more reconciliatory approach in helping the country.

Yesterday, Peter and I were discussing inflation and how we think should be the country’s strategy in going about solving the problem. He had proposed that the country continue developing programs and policies that give more weight to the consideration of free trade / globalization. I on the other hand insisted on the protection of the lower classes in Philippine society and that government still is primarily obligated to ensure that the people live in a country with better social and economic conditions. Although, we may not have the same views of the problem we share the same end-goals.

My life hasn’t been devoid exactly of people worth emulating in terms of social justice. I have in fact been brought up by these people, which is why I’ve chosen to work in government because for me the most effective way to transform the structure is through the inside. But I must admit that pursuing such a passion of service is difficult to maintain when almost everyone around me do not share the same sentiments on social responsibility. I had bought the book looking for inspiration… more inspiration. And to feel that there’s more of us out there who still believe in the Filipino people. With the book, I found what I was looking for.

All Got Our Runnins

2008-06-30T12:15:00.003+08:00

Friday
5:15PM

PJ: It’s the weekend, you going to the movies?
Male Officemate: What’s on?
PJ: They’ve got Mancock today I think.
Male Officemate: Mancock? I thought it was Hancock.
PJ: Mancock. It’s Mancock.
*pauses*
PJ: Hancock. Sorry. Hancock.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I’m trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I’ll be giving it my bestest
Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some

Saturday
7:30am

There was someone in the wash area when I entered. Went straight to the leftmost urinal. Either he moved so fast or I was simply distracted to have noticed the guy position himself in the urinal next to where I was, I don’t know anymore… In the short time that I was peeing he had taken his dick out, played with himself while glancing at me and my peter. He kept at it even when I had zipped my fly and walked out of the men’s room. I could’ve hit him really. But I couldn’t let him take my focus away from my report for class which was in a hour. He’s neither an employee of the school nor a student. I told friends in class about the incident and when I saw the guy somewhere else in the building I pointed him out to everyone I was with so they’d know who to watch out for.

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what i’ma saying is there ain’t no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It’s what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

Sunday
4:25PM

Being left with only Sundays as a rest day isn’t enough. A pedicure can do wonders to someone like me. After shopping for new undies and toiletries, my sister and I got a pedicure. Stress… With only 5 hours of sleep max every night, I’ve gotten thinner although the weighing scale still says the same. Peter’s worried. I told him that it’s going to be this way for 3 more years because of grad school and work.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you’re free
Look into your heart and you’ll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A lá peaceful melody
It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

** I lack one toy to complete the Kung Fu Panda toy collection of McDonald’s. Mistress Tigress… Mistress Tigress… Mistress Tigress…

So I won’t hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours

I Need a Drink

2008-06-25T08:50:00.004+08:00

An accountant who works in the same building as I do asked me out last week. I had to remind the guy that I have a boyfriend. He claims to have forgotten that one particular information I told him weeks before his asking me out.

The gym trainer’s starting to get interesting too. We shared a cab on our way to work this morning. He reminds me so much of another me – almost stupid. Either he’s more soft-spoken that I, or he’s already hitting on me.

* * * * *

Then this co-worker is asking me to set-up an orgy with some girls. While fleeting, I’ve felt a need to not only make everyone feel that I’m taken, but also for them to realize that I’m gay. Really gay. Really really gay.

* * * * *

And I still haven’t fully recovered. My temperature goes up late in the afternoon. By the time I get home I immediately take my pills. It’d be easier if I brought my pills with me to work. But just like my sister, I fear I’d OD on the pills for a varied perception of the world.

* * * * *

Finally moving in to Eastwood City in a month or two. Closer to the boyfriend. Closer to school. Closer to work. Or maybe I should stay at home. Difficult to decide.

His birthday is coming up next month. Clueless on how to surprise him in his evening class. Either that or I’ll just have a cake and flowers delivered to his office in the morning.

* * * * *

Mom: You have a fever!
me: Yes. It’s what I’ve been telling you since last night.
Mom: So what medicines are you taking?
me: Nothing.
Mom: You should take something.
me: I pray.
(then mom looks at sister)
Mom: Did you hear that?
Sister: He prays. What’s wrong with that?

* * * * *

Midterms in two weeks time. Fun.

Don't Panic

2008-05-06T09:42:00.000+08:00

Only after receiving news of the board of trustees’ denial on the re-appointment of the general manager last week did things get a little clearer. I mean, it sure justifies why the general manager’s been particularly fond of me lately by personally delegating stuff to be accomplished in too short a period of time. With my aunt’s decision of not supporting the directive I strongly feel that a heavier workload for me is one of management’s ways of venting their disappointment and perhaps anger towards the corporation’s supervisors which is surely a lot better than two other outcomes I’ve thought of – (1) is that I get transferred from the corporate planning division to a different division or department, and (2) my contract would get terminated.

This development eventually brought me to my decision of changing jobs one year earlier than planned to avoid being a casualty of management’s insistence of such a ridiculous and foolish request from the board.

bones sinking like stones
all that we've fought for
homes, places we've grown
all of us are done for

we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do
yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world

Pahkchu

2008-04-29T13:54:00.000+08:00

I’m giving preferential treatment to him that was never really allowed a good chance at anything then, because there’s a higher probability of creating more meaningful things on this one than the others. Although all but one has been supportive of the idea, the “selfish cold-hearted bastard slut self” regards such a pursuit futile and given the arguments presented strongly believes has no bearing and wouldn’t convince anyone except an innocent and ideal child for which I am not. It happens more often than I actually want to… to shift into the reconstructed brown monkey recklessly driven for power and wealth through any exploitable chance presented or otherwise. While currently programmed to be selfless, I’m still permitted to allow an almost insignificant degree of coveting for a few inconsequential objects. Hypocritical nonetheless… Typically human in the end.

Mad World

2008-04-23T12:05:00.001+08:00

It’s expected that the end of the first semester would mean additional assignments in order to meet whatever goals have been set during the last quarter of the year. Admittedly delayed, I’m finally done with the company’s annual report for 2007. Yet when asked I decline to give a comment on the company’s current status which should not be taken as a form of disappointment or protest against management resulting from my increasing visits or discussions with the company auditors.

I haven’t really been too preoccupied to be unable to come up with entries for the blogs but there are just too many things on my mind, and although inconsequential, it’s expected of me to waste time pondering on say… how does squash affect the taste of local bread when mixed with the regular flour used? Or how should I have my stylist cut my hair the next time I visit the parlor so as to adapt to the annoying heat wave we all have been suffering from because of global warming? And then there’s reading the 3 compilations of Manix Abrera’s Kiko Machine comic strips Note: The books are available at all Powerbooks – plug ^_^ >>>>> Asteeeeeg Sarap sapakin.

A day before the start of my classes on global trade law and policy last week, I was fortunate enough to attend a program which had 2 speakers from the country’s primary team for trade negotiations. Although I haven’t any aspirations of one day finding myself with the insane responsibility as that of the two gentlemen I can not help but wonder on how pleasurable it’d be for me to be privy of the process involved or just how insane is “insane” for them especially when already in the negotiating table.

Besides classes on global trade law and policy, I intend to enroll for post-grad classes on management in another institution by next month. Increasing further reasons to bring about my falling into a state of delirium or whatever aberrations in my mental state friends and enemies could conceive of for their amusement. With strong support from the boyfriend, there is a very good chance of my surviving this self-initiated year-long academic roller-coaster ride with my clothes still on and penis intact.

Its my own design

Its my own remorse

Help me to decide

Help me make the most

Of freedom and of pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever

Everybody wants to rule the world
- Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

An Asilo Visit

2008-03-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

It wasn’t my first time giving back to the community. But it was my first time dealing with kids. Peter and I had prepared an activity the night before Saturday which we didn’t get to do since we were running out of time. There’ll be other opportunities for this.

I told him how thankful I am for being invited to be a part of his friend’s outreach activity. I couldn’t pass up the chance to do something meaningful to the community while sharing the whole experience with a love one.

During the closing ceremony one of the kids gave a short talk/speech thanking us for our time spent with them and that they’d pray for us for it was all they could give in return. Maybe it was scripted. It doesn’t matter. At the brink of crying while listening to the little girl.

These kids were thanking us unaware that I am the one who is really thankful, felt that I needed the activity more than they to keep me in track, that whatever it is I decided to do in life it has to be for the purpose of helping the less fortunate. Directly or indirectly.

“It must be sad or lonely living a life just thinking of yourself.”

More Office Bitching

2008-02-28T09:09:00.004+08:00

You know how people
Have these little habits
That get you down in the workplace.
Like Roland. Roland’s one of our graphic designers.
No, not designer. Lay-out artist.
So I was at my table one day
And I’m really irritated, and I’m just minding my own business
trying to figure out some stuff
And there’s Roland walking towards me,
With the certificates I had asked him to print out.
He told me to sign the logbook which I did
Then he said “please include the department and the date”
which was just like the previous entries, so I wrote as he said.
Annoyed, he told me to write my full name,
like I wasn’t following instructions.
Irritated, I answered back,
that I was only following what he told me and that there was nothing wrong
with what I had written since I had done it
the same way as the previous entries.
But he insisted so I obliged.
When he walked away, my direct supervisor who had heard everything reprimanded me for my behavior.
That I was too harsh, rude, “mataray”, “suplado”

He had it coming
He had it coming
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame.
He only had himself to blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

I’m certain I’ve mentioned the boss of my direct supervisor
in previous entries. Or maybe not.
Anyway, He’s quite a piece of work too.
That drunk.
Everyday he’d like walk up to you and hand you a pile of stuff to do,
which I don’t mind since I enjoy working anyway.
But he had this way that’s irritating.
The pile just keeps growing and everything single one is to be prioritized.
I was editing this presentation for a very important meeting.
Given the fact that the assignment was
directly handed to me by the General Manager, it’s #1 in my priority list.
He came up to me that day and told me to do something.
I said yes but it would have to wait because of the presentation.
Then he approached me a second time for another assignment.
This time he got it.
He gave it to another officemate instead since I was “not listening to him”
What the fuck?!

Yeah, but did you do it?

UH UH, not guilty!

Moments like this get me so worked up.
Somehow, annoyed, blurted to my co-workers that
I cannot take responsibility for someone’s stupidity.
One of them told that me that I’m supposed to be
more understanding of the mentally challenged.
My hands are full just dealing with myself already.
Talked to the boyfriend about it…
“But babe, you are mataray. You are suplado. You are a bitch.”

I had it coming
I had it coming
I had it coming all along
I didn't mean it
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
They had it comin'
All along
All along
'Cause if they used us
'Cause if they used us
And they abused us
And they abused us
How could you tell us that we were wrong?

Flowers are Love

2008-02-19T23:00:00.000+08:00

A few days may have already passed and I still flash a silly smile whenever I’m reminded of the bouquet of flowers he gave me last week. I don’t normally bother with arranging the flowers I receive but his were an exception. Had to purchase a new vase for those white tulips. Even with my mediocre skills on flower arrangement (indeed I require training on this one) I still managed to come up with a good enough piece of work which I insist on being worthy enough to be allowed as the centerpiece of the dining table.

* * * * *

My sister asked me why I receive flowers from lovers during this month when all she receives from her boyfriend are items that can’t possibly convey the same thing that flowers stand for. This year the boyfriend got headphones for her iPod among other things. The gift closest to a flower she received for Valentine’s would be the huge white Toblerone with a red rose print. Her boyfriend thinks that flowers are a waste of money considering how long they last.

Sister: How come you’re the one getting flowers all the time?

Me: Because I’m pretty… And you’re handsome so you only get electronic gadgets and accessories.

* * * *

Peter: You’re one of the few guys I know who likes receiving flowers from someone…

I know I may not look it but I don’t mind flowers for Hearts month or any other month. Flowers are beautiful.

* * *

When he came by the house I stepped out to help him unload his things. Found the bouquet of white tulips at the back next to his bags. I asked him who they were for and he answered they were mine. By the time we got to my room I asked him the third time who the flowers were for, unconvinced with his previous answers because the whole thing was unexpected.

I didn’t think he was the type. Turns out I was wrong.

* *

Flowers are love.

Daybreak

2008-02-15T09:48:00.001+08:00

After buying tickets I had settled myself close to the ticketing booth rummaging through my bag for a cigarette. Then I saw “him” a few steps away accompanied by a horde of loud-mouthed gay men. A few seconds since he appeared, my gaze still fixed at the familiar-looking guy and his posse, trying to figure out who he was, they had also decided to stay where I was sitting. The gayness was too suffocating so I moved to the front steps of the UP Film Center. Spotted designer friend who told me that the guy I saw is Coco Martin, the actor in the movie we were about to watch. He looked better in Masahista. In person, he looked like a male prostitute with the image of him being a man whore’s further magnified by the presence of older gay men surrounding him.

The movie Daybreak’s good. A tragedy in many ways. Paolo Rivero, William in the movie, failed to give justice to his role. His delivery of the lines in the scene where he was on the phone while on his way to pick up Coco Martin (JP) was very unconvincing. And another thing, since they established that JP’s a boatman, every time William spoke in English I’d be laughing or giggling since I felt that JP wouldn’t understand what he was trying to say. Surprisingly, he did understand everything. So JP’s actually smart? Perhaps he just didn’t finish college… But he’s still just a boatman!

There’s this scene that got to me… You can watch this scene only and you’d still feel just how much JP loves William. While William was teaching JP how to dance there was a point wherein there was no dialogue at all – JP just looked at William. That scene, specifically Coco Martin’s execution on this scene… WOW. To avoid sounding like a bitch who doesn’t like boatmen, I did tell my boyfriend during the movie that I identify more with Coco Martin’s character more than Paolo Rivero’s because I’m a rural fag too just like JP.

+ + + + +

Movie at the UP Film Center. Dinner at Chocolate Kiss. Then UP Fair. It was a beautiful February 14. Now I am at the office… Might crash by lunch time…

Another Quick Reversal Before Another Quick Rush Forward

2008-01-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

Sunday

Got home about two hours ago. Woke up because the phone was ringing. It was my supervisor asking me to get ready for a product presentation in the afternoon.

Me: Good morning ma’am. (In a jolly way ofcourse. Avoiding sounding annoyed or irritated by the early work call.)

Supervisor: Peejei, please get ready for a product presentation with Mr. H this afternoon in Laguna.

Me: Yes ma’am... *pause* Ma’am, today’s a Sunday.

Supervisor: I know.

Me: Okay ma’am.

Supervisor: So please be at the office before 1 o’clock. Do drop by Ms. B’s (marketing officer) to pick up a couple of things for the presentation.

Me: Yes ma’am.

*end of conversation*

Ms. B lives in the subdivision across ours. So I walked it from my house a few minutes before lunch time. It was raining. I don’t get paid enough for this kind of work.

Saturday

Peter showed up after taking two other friends of ours to a volleyball competition in Katipunan. We watched A Bee Movie then dinner at the newest Jollibee branch in Katipunan cor. CP Garcia after before going to watch what was left of the volleyball competition. Imagined myself playing competitive volleyball again - not going to happen anytime soon. 11PM we went to Mandaluyong to drop off some of the team members. Drove to Mister Kebabs at Quezon Ave. for our second dinner. Our two other friends ate while Peter and I walked it to Kowloon. Mister Kebabs during that time (1am) had too many prostitutes. Disgusted with the place all of a sudden. Surprised with my self at the moment also.

Friday

JD messaged me before 5PM asking if I were interested to go with him to UP Diliman for a show. Arrived at the Film Institute at 6PM. The Anino Shadowplay Collective show at UP Diliman was a first for me. I had a friend back in college who was a part of the group and yet I never got to watch any of their shows back then. Anyway, I didn’t think it was a fund raising event for their trip to Hanoi, Vietnam for the international marionette competition/festival. Their interpretation of Florante at Laura is brilliant although they only showed us excerpts of it. The music videos they had which were of political themes were alright to me at first. But after two or three videos I walked out. It was then that Peter showed up coming from the office. Great timing. Watching the videos doesn’t help me at all in tolerating my own self for my current line of work. After the show we moved to Sara’s for dinner and some beer. Then I went home with a very very very bad stomach which lasted until 9am the next day. CRAP.

Thursday

I was in Ilocos to attend my sister’s birthday. 6:30AM people were already at home preparing for the lunch party. 6 o’clock in the evening I was at the back finishing my tea. Mom and sister’s staff were all at the back. Mom’s head secretary told me that the head of the catering service thought that I was my sister’s husband. Because he found us sweet to each other. I pity the guy. He obviously isn’t close with his siblings. Not as close as I am with my sister and brothers. I told Peter about my being mistaken for my sister’s hubby. He also said that my sister and I don’t look like we’re related at all. Husband. Last year my sister and I attended a wedding of a friend. Fraternity brothers of the groom thought that I was also a fratman… and my sister? My girlfriend.

* * * * *

I’m sleepy. Good morning world.

Blue Sky Outside the Window

2008-01-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

Management meeting at the tower. I was more focused with the clouds outside rather than the presentation. It’s been a while since I got to be outdoors and watch the beautiful sky during the day. Today I am content with looking at the clouds through the window. Corporate Makati.

That’s two cups of coffee so far today.

Espresso… Single

2008-01-22T08:41:00.000+08:00

I’m trying too hard. But I can’t win them over by playing it by their rules. He did tell me that they can’t come between us. The conversation at the cafe last Saturday evening really got to me. I was too depressed the next day to get a couple of things done for work. So I told him how I felt. Now I love him even more.

* * * * *

National Treasure: Book of Secrets was alright. A bunch of scenes, especially the part where they first approached Benjamin Franklin Gate’s mother in translating the images on the piece of word reminded me so much of my own family. The witty and sarcastic exchanges throughout the film bring back memories of conversations with friends as well as family.

Watched I Am Legend with the family then watched it again with the boyfriend two weeks ago. Ended up sleeping at the theatre for about 80% of the time. He thanked me for putting up with it, not making a fuss about having to watch the movie again, or not insisting on going for another film which we both haven’t seen yet. I didn’t want to ruin his plans considering the going to the movies that work night was a surprise for me. Besides, it always feels good having him beside me while I sleep.

Sunday evening I finally finished watching the film Tan Lines at home. It was such a drag. But better than Fluffer even if the movie Fluffer showed more skin thanks to the porn stars in its cast. Formula 17’s the best gay film I saw last week for its shallow humor. I require something light these days. Something easier to swallow… slides down my throat without much effort.

* * * * *

Friday an officemate asked me if I were interested to attend the weekend training for marketing since there were a couple more slots available. I told him I wasn’t a slut. My direct supervisor who was seated next to me the whole time exclaimed: “He’s a whore.”

My Eyes Are Hurting While I’m Typing This

2008-01-16T16:48:00.000+08:00

Difficult. That’s what this is. Updating a blog when almost always thoughts are either one of two things: your boyfriend and work. I’ve turned my Starbuck’s 2008 planner into a scrapbook chronicling days with the boyfriend which ofcourse made the siblings and cousins laugh at me when I told them about my newfound hobby. Still, I’m very confident that they prefer me this way than how I was then - introducing them to a different guy every night, talking about my sex life… And being alone. Maybe I don’t really get it all or maybe I’m just another simple guy. While I do understand how it is to prefer being sexually desired over being romantically involved for reasons other than to release all the pent up sexual energy you store every hour in a day, the act gets old. My friend just might be right about rural or provincial or simple-minded guys like me.

Envious. For the lack of a career booster. Last Monday I met up with friends from Paglaum. We got to hang-out at AIM after work before we moved to Greenbelt, driven by hunger, driven by the idea of wrapping things up soon so we don’t stay up too late considering it’s a Monday. We all have to get up early for work the next day. It was a farewell dinner for our friend from Singapore who was leaving the next evening. He told me he didn’t expect me to show up during his entire visit. A lot of those present didn’t expect to see me because I don’t really like the places they prefer to meet up in. But I had to show up. Late last year I committed to attend a conference/meeting/general assembly of our organization in Cebu and the Boracay get-together immediately after the event with my boyfriend. My plans have changed. I no longer am free for Cebu and Boracay this summer.

Sada & Toco 2008

2008-01-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

For the past two trips I had going back to the province last quarter of 2007 I never got the chance to make a bus reservation. Not that I didn’t learn my lesson on how much of a hassle it is when you haven’t made one but it really is difficult to assure yourself of a seat during the holidays. Since I didn’t reserve for New Year’s I ended up spending it in the metro with my cousin and my brother. This would be my first time welcoming the year outside Ilocos. Last year I was at home but with only my nephew to spend it with since my sister and brother were in Manila while my mom and other brother were in London. Not that 2006’s New Year was bad. I enjoyed keeping my nephew company and making sure he’d have a good time. But this year was just very different.

On the 30^th my cousin and I met up with a Japanese girl for dinner at Harbour View Restaurant. Miyo, a friend of an aunt, just flew in from Tokyo. She’s spending the last few days of the year in Samar before going back to Tokyo for her new job. My aunt was in the province during that time so we took her out. Auntie asked if I could invite Peter too which ofcourse very much validated everything about Peter already being a part of the family (I’m going to keep taking him to family gatherings). He couldn’t make it that night though. It was the 30^th and Peter had to spend it at home with his family.

December 31, me and my cousin went to the mall for some shopping. Better than staying at home we decided to do some last minute splurging. Relatively deserted considering the waves of people flocking the malls this month, shopping was fun in a mall that was finally breathable. In the evening the cousin cooked the main course, I made dessert, brother bought more food. I wasn’t in the mood to get drunk. Watching the fireworks didn’t get me much excited either. I was on the street, infront of the house, for a few minutes then I had to go back in because of the smoke giving me a headache. All three of us wore red tops that night (I also had red sneakers and red undies on. I don’t know why).

A happy New Year… While there’s really a lot to be grateful for (it was all in all a beautiful year) and then there’s also so much to look forward to this 2008, I only wanted to relax this past days before work starts again tomorrow. While I may have a personal rule of not bringing work home, this December was an exception. I find it easier to write the 1^st semester report of the company last July as compared to preparing the year-end report of the year which I have to finish before Friday. I’m still not done with it. The other departments haven’t submitted their reports to me yet. It’s going to be fun at work tomorrow.

As for New Year’s resolutions that I plan to keep for this year I’ve come up with the following:

I’m finally going back to school. Taking some classes for graduate school. At 26 I am truly embarrassed for not having earned my MA yet. In case I’d have difficulty in my classes I expect friends to help me out. Either that or I’d stop being friends with them.
Minimize my spending. It’s not like I make that much money in the first place even if I’ve just been given a raise last November. I turned down the offer for promotion but accepted the 25% raise in my salary.
Although I’ve become a better person compared to the way I was in 2006 there’s always room for improvement. Peter’s being a good influence. Really. Just him and me. So happy.
I might stop having sex with the lights open and the curtains pulled to the side. The neighbors aren’t returning the favor. Peter finds it funny. He’s more of an exhibitionist than I am. With our seemingly innocent exteriors…

I’m giving myself one week to lose the weight gained during the holiday season. It would be stupid of me to keep this as a souvenir from last year.

26 and Loving It

2007-12-17T10:58:00.000+08:00

The parties were good. Direct supervisor paid for lunch and a co-staff in the division gave the cake. 4 o’clock in the afternoon other boss and the corporate lawyer invited me for drinks at Aposento. Ran back to the office by 5P.M. to pack up for home. In addition to the cake I ordered for the evening, sis had pasta and pizza delivered for dinner.

A little before midnight while I was packing more Christmas gifts the boyfriend walked inside my bedroom. Surprised to see him since I knew that he’d be very busy the whole week. Earlier I had asked him to show up for the weekend so I don’t get in the way of his work even if it were my birthday. That a birthday weekend with him would be just as welcome by me inspite of his not making it on my birthday. But he did show up. Before midnight. For about 15 minutes then he left for Laguna. He had just gotten back from Batangas last Thursday. Those cute stuff toys he gave. It’s about time actually. I’ve been trying hard not to ask for a toy to hug to remind me of him when he’s not with me in bed.

Saturday evening we went to his college friends’ Christmas party near my place. Finally met the closest family he has wherein he’s openly gay. It was funny how his friend reacted when I told him I met Peter at about the same time they met him. He eventually blurted out: “So why haven’t you introduced him to us then?”

Lunch at Trinoma the next day. I don’t see why the Holy Cow is the Holy Cow. There sure was no uplifting of my spirits with every bite of the steak. Such a “family diner” feel to the place. Noisy kids two tables away from us that made me want to make out with the boyfriend to shock them. But I’m nice. Peter always told me to behave infront of children so as not to confuse them. My cousin Mark shares the same sentiments.

I wouldn’t want to have my own Alethiometer. Tragic it would be I guess to have to know everything. What really made me want to watch the film was because of the Ice Bears. They looked cute in the posters. Even Iorek Byrnison’s remark to Lyra made me laugh so hard in the theatre… “You want to ride me?”

In the evening we went to two Christmas parties although the first one was also a post birthday party for me. It was very sweet of him to have put up with the crowds from the two parties as well as having to stay up late again to keep me company. Visiting him at work tonight.

**He finally left a toothbrush in my bathroom for him to use whenever he sleeps over.

Turning 26 Ain't That Bad After All

2007-12-14T09:09:00.000+08:00

It was great when it all began
I was a regular Frankie fan
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a muscle man
Now the only that gives me hope
Is my love for a certain dope
Rose tints my world keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Watched Rocky Horror Picture Show last night before going for some Jagermeister. After a quick splashing in the bathroom went to buy a bottle of ginseng mixed with honey at the Korean store across the house. Then slept with a little bit of a headache.

I'm just seven hours old
Truly beautiful to behold
And somebody should be told
My libido hasn't been controlled
Now the only thing I've come to trust
Is an orgasmic rush of lust
Rose tints my world keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Christmas shopping has been so much fun except for when I stepped in one of the shops last week, a brand which my former merchandiser currently is employed in. Haven’t shopped there in maybe two years or more. So uncomfortable inside the shop that could pass for another gay bar/club. Too many of them. My sis and her boyfriend, who were both with me that time, told me to look in another store. The next store was great but empty. Hahaha I love stores like that. You don’t end up looking like everybody else wearing the same thing. Gay uniform. hahaha

It's beyond me, help me Mommy
I'll be good you'll see, take this dream away
What's this, let's see
Oh I feel sexy
What's come over me?
Oh here it comes again...

This one person I don’t like at work has been appointed to the position I turned down months ago. I hope she’s happy. Didn’t plan to come to work today to avoid going to some work-related engagement with her this afternoon. Too beautiful a day to be ruined. Should’ve brought a sedative to work. Shoulda woulda coulda…

Oh I feel released
Bad times deceased
My confidence has increased
Reality is here
The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded
It's a gas that Frank has landed
His lust is so sincere.

So it’s my birthday and this be the birthday post.

The Baguio Trip

2007-12-04T12:29:00.000+08:00

Sitting at the back of the bus with your boyfriend is fine

(especially when you’re seated next to a hottie stranger)

Watched the fireworks display of SM Baguio

(from Burnham Park while on our way back to the hotel)

Enjoyed dancing at Nevada Square

(even if the boyfriend was doing bodycombat instead of dancing)

Bought raisin bread at the Manor Hotel

(although the one from Baguio Country Club also tastes great)

Working around a budget is good

(but next time we go there we’re staying where I usually check-in)

Dreams 103

2007-11-28T13:32:00.000+08:00

Mom introduced me to Peter’s mom. They’re friends from way back, even before mom met my dad. Peter’s mom is a friend of my mom’s ex boyfriend. Our mothers are of the same height as but Peter's had longer hair and a slimmer built.

We discussed about the living arrangements for me and Peter at the condo. And that I have to talk to Peter soon about what we’ve discussed.

Then I woke up. This could be the first time I’ve ever dreamed of Peter or remembered dreaming of him.

* * * *

We’re watching the tribute concert to Amado V. Hernandez at the CCP Main Theater this Friday night. Overnight in Baguio for the weekend.

One month together… Perfect.

Pre-Holiday Whatevers

2007-11-21T08:40:00.000+08:00

It’s almost Christmas and I’m not yet done shopping. Last Saturday Peter and I bought dresses for the two baby girls at home. I was thinking of giving them earlier then make them wear it on my birthday next month. Vanity.

* * * *

Mom asked my sister if Peter’s the guy I’d be living with at the condo in Eastwood City Libis. That surprised me because I never mentioned it to anyone in the family. We may have considered living together about two months ago but after we realized just how crazy we can get whenever we’re together we’ve decided to put off playing house indefinitely. Brought it up again last night. Discussed about sharing expenses and all that. Then decided to put off playing house indefinitely again.

* * * *

Like always workload for the last quarter’s been erratic. Worked overtime the other night to review the corporate budget (thank you budget analysis and policy study subjects at university). Then last week they’ve assigned me as the corporate secretary’s temporary assistant which ofcourse meant overtime last Saturday to prepare for this week’s board of trustees’ meeting.

* * * *

In his own way, one of the office’s consultants inspires me. His expertise on logistics is one thing that I envy so much about him. Seriously, I have to take my MA soon. VERY soon. Maybe on logistics. Nothing wrong with dreaming.

* * * *

Then we go back to the butterflies.

Between Stars

2007-11-06T10:56:00.000+08:00

Two people died in Pagudpud on the day we were there. It was raining and the waves were a little too rough for swimming. Which is why I was surprised to find out from an officemate that his two friends, fellow lawyers, drowned there last week. Did they think their lawyer-ness would save them? Where’s the logic in swimming under such weather?

Still the vacation was fun. Having to wake up for 4 mornings with Peter right beside me… Beautiful. We’re going back to Pagudpud next year to check out the surf scene. There’s going to be a surfing competition there some time during the summer (March, April or June). He’ll be surfing while I’ll be getting wasted (beer and maybe even weed) dancing by myself at the bar.

Then there’s that Cebu trip next year too for the general assembly of SSEAYP alumni. I’m taking him with me so he could meet everyone.

We’re finally a couple. A brother asked why we picked the 31^st of October. He said that he has two goth friends who got engaged on that date. I don’t mind celebrating on the 31^st of that month in a Halloween costume.

So… Tonight he’ll be coming over for dinner.

The Day After Another Evening Drunk

2007-10-22T16:53:00.000+08:00

Today the new officemate finally came in after a week of deliberations. He’s from the University of Asia and the Pacific, the replacement of the fresh grad from ADMU who stayed with us for only a month before transferring to Shell which is just across the building where our office is.

3AM I woke up from a nightmare. Peter wasn’t in it. But Neeko was and he was telling me how wrong Peter is for me. There was no hint whatsoever of him suggesting that I’d be better off with him.

9PM yesterday I was drunk from all the wine in my aunt and uncle’s weeding anniversary party. I never did like my uncle’s side of the family. Drunk, I was bugging my aunt on how to cure my office’s operations and suggest plans or programs for implementation next year.

1AM a cousin and I were having small-talk while she was doing the laundry. Then Peter came up and she said something that suggested that people like me, who sleep around, do not deserve to be loved. That when it comes to commitments, I should be out of one’s list of prospects.

Saturday at 30 minutes past 9 in the evening, Johnny, my December 2006 – January 2007 lover whom I fell for not only for his cuteness but also because he teaches special education, showed up. He and the guy he left me for had called it quits months ago. I’ve gotten so much thinner last we saw each other, according to him. Less muscles on the arms, the legs, a much more evident collar bone, a smaller tummy. But the chest still hasn’t changed, according to him.

8 o’clock that same day, Peter left for Hong Kong. He’ll be gone till Monday. I still can’t take an uncommitted commitment kind of a set-up. Planning an Ilocos trip by the end of the month with him. Will try to make him cook for my mom.

Last Friday I was happy about the bombing. Officemates were mad at me for such a sentiment.

Blue Pills Out, Orange Pills In

2007-10-04T23:30:00.000+08:00

I take it that the corporate planning division of the Authority doesn’t really have that much fixed activities yet. I was expecting to simply assist my other boss at the office to come up with implementing rules and guidelines to support our policy proposals the whole day while at the same time attending to the program management review workshop which is one of my department’s initiatives for the month. 8:30am my direct supervisor calls me up ordering me to show up at the seminar at DTI which she was attending to prepare a presentation that was one of the activities of the seminar. Apparently the employee in our administrative division who received the communication regarding the seminar left that particular detail for us to find out for ourselves on the day itself, at the venue even. A few seconds after talking to my boss on my phone I was scrambling for materials that could be used for that particular event. In a few minutes I was on my way to PTTC on one of the company cars. 9am traffic still counts as rush hour?

Throughout the day, because I don’t exactly count as a participant of the activity meant for middle and top level managers (I wasn’t even given a name tag – which I ofcourse requested for them not to give to separate myself from the rest of them) and the only reason why I was there was because my superiors required the presence of a “maid” for them the whole day, I never was engrossed with the lectures until late afternoon on the discussion regarding the build-operate-transfer scheme of the government. The rest of the time my thoughts were all about Peter and my running nose. On my way home we dropped off my direct supervisor near Citibank in Eastwood. I was thinking of showing up at Peter’s office as a surprise but it was 7pm so I figured he’s busy working out at the gym. Still, I took a chance. And he said he wasn’t particularly busy. So that’s how I found myself infront of the IBM building in Eastwood City hugging a guy and fighting the urge to make out beside the guard, the employees on cigarette break and everybody else. So that’s how I found myself walking around Eastwood in a dark blue polo barong, with a pin of the Philippine flag on left collar, joking that I was his security guard for the evening.

Definitely knew that today and tomorrow were going to be beautiful. Even this new pill I’m taking for my mood swings (although it’s really so much more stupid to take than my former sweetheart blue pill because the orange pill is intended for treatment on mentally ill patients) couldn’t make me feel as good as I feel whenever I’m with him. Two days off the pill got my regular self back (the effects of one pill could last me about 48 hours which makes it actually cheaper). He knows what I take to cope with the stress. Although he doesn’t encourage it, he says he wouldn’t really demand, insist, or force me to stop. He says he still likes me. I could’ve hidden this part of me from him but I don’t think that I could deal with someone I genuinely care for while at the same time hiding or worst lying about this particular aspect of my life. But lately, I’m finding less and less reasons to be on any substance abuse. Peter’s enough to get me high. A good sign of an easier withdrawal from the stuff I take when I choose to quit. And if things wont be easy I know I’d have him to support me to get through it.

Yet we’re still not a couple.

OD-ing on Him is Bad

2007-09-28T11:26:00.000+08:00

Wednesday he tried to surprise me by coming over unannounced. It was only a few minutes past 10 in the evening when he did show up but he didn’t see me for I was already asleep. I’m usually still awake till around midnight drinking beer before getting drugged to numb me from stress-caused work. But that night somehow my body somehow gave in a bit. So I slept early. And ofcourse there was the regular meeting of the Board of Trustees the next day which is why I had to be at work looking even just a little normal to avoid being confused with the hobo in the streets on my way to work. I woke up and found four miss calls and an SMS from him about his “surprise visit.” Made me worry the whole morning thinking that the previous evening’s failed attempt on sweetness would mean the cancellation of Thursday night’s dinner together. At about 4:30am, my regular wake up call during weekdays, I called him up to apologize even though it wasn’t his or my fault in the first place. He picked up. He hasn’t slept because of some office work he had to get done before leaving the metro for another work assignment in Tagaytay.

Thursday 9P.M. we were on our way to a nearby diner. But not after he gave my niece a birthday gift, a day to early because he wont be able to make it to the party tonight. I jokingly protested about it, him showing up with something for my niece and nothing for me. Anyway, for dinner, we couldn’t go too far because staying up late would compromise our work the next day (we’ve discussed how family and work comes in first before “us” – even if there still is no “us” despite all the things that have been happening these past few days/weeks, and that’s not even counting the years since 1998 when we first met and when I first asked him out). He asked where we were going to eat and I just told him anywhere would be fine as long as it’s gay-friendly. 45mins for dinner because the diner closes at 10P.M. during weekdays sure was enough time to come up with a lot of sweet memories. The conversation during the drive home brought out a lot things we’ve both been trying our best to hold back… to avoid making everything anymore complicated.

He left at midnight. But not after some sweet dancing to music I played on my phone… infront of the house… on the street… for all the world too see.

The Filling Up of Space

2007-09-10T16:06:00.000+08:00

It has come to this I suppose, bottles among empty bottles of beer and cigarettes, some even half-finished, neatly set aside or not, on the porch from the night before. Coping through alcohol, a practice last executed, and remembered fondly of, last year while enjoying the very brief stint as a poster-boy for the country’s unemployed populations – another statistic if you insist. A week of submission to the closest acceptable addiction, which fellow housemate could join in even if most nights only had me and youngest brother staring at the stars and the neighbors still sober – exploring the voyeur while loaded with nicotine and alcohol.

But Friday got me Cheshire grinning and sometimes druggie smiling up to this day, three days later, because of a boy I both distinctly and vaguely remember of a life wherein he was, a decision I didn’t make, a hero of sorts. Finally asked him out on a date after that unsettling departure from a space he regularly occupied to see and sometimes maybe even to talk to me about 5 years ago without telling me. The continued exchange in anticipation of a Friday where the meeting would not be through small, large or normal-sized flashing screens that hurt one’s eyes when stared at too long – the same effect as porn films.

A Friday wherein I unashamed and unable to hide my fancies could under the influence of something stronger than him and me (possibly leading to the uncovering of the reason/s why we seemed to have never grown apart after a very long absence) I’d mumble W.B. Yeat’s A Drinking Song:
“Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.”
Or something by Anton Chekhov.

The weekend too, he did have an effect, thoughts of him the whole time while working on a Saturday - going around Tagaytay in the morning, lunch near his place at Market Market, then the afternoon spent in Antipolo. Had it not been for the traffic we could’ve made it to Olongapo and Zambales for other facilities to inspect but my boss was too tired although I knew from the beginning, arriving late for that 7am breakfast in Makati to start off the trip, that my boardshorts wont make it to the pool that day.

Then Sunday, I dropped by an ex’s new boyfriend’s apartment to help out with the painting but an aunt messaged, inviting for early evening snacks (I try not to say no to food). After pizza, 8PM, youngest bro and I headed for the highway near our place to take pictures of the church, the streets, and a blind man on the footbridge. The blind man couldn’t tell if we were taking pictures so we did but the other man on the bridge a few steps away from him we didn’t take pictures of – he looked like someone who’d run after us even if we asked his permission. Didn’t think he’d trust two guys who looked like my bro and I. And he wasn’t blind. That didn’t make sense.

Looking forward to the moments, even just brief moments, including everything else that’s to follow.

Half-Way to Nowhere

2007-09-02T20:58:00.000+08:00

Workdays have always been crazy from the start. Although this time it takes a lot more effort to push back the tears during mid-day or mid-afternoon even if I truly believe in the mantra: “I love my job.”

Ever since Rachelle got transferred to the marketing department our once close relationship has not only changed with us physically and emotionally apart but we’ve also turned against each other with our application for the human resources management officer position (because I doubt they’d let me officially head the corporate planning division). Sending my application to another corporation as one of their corporate planning officers soon.

Friday, word had gotten around about this document that our general manager said was excellent work. My direct supervisor’s boss told him and the others that I wrote it which ofcourse naturally got me feeling shitty again because I was getting the credit for something I didn’t do. That piece was written by my direct supervisor’s boss who’s the same person claiming that it was mine. I told them it wasn’t my work. I don’t think I’m that dumb enough to have to take someone’s output and pass it off as my own to get on the general manager’s good side. No amount of sushi during lunch that day could make me feel better after finding out about this.

That night David and I went to UP Diliman for a concert organized by friends. Was joking about my attendance at the event, that my presence there had to do more as a way of commemorating my friendship with another guy from UPD who at the moment is somewhere in Europe backpacking alone – partying in Ibiza and all that. Anyway, the bands I got to watch that evening were amazing. Unsigned bands charmingly presented their politics through their experimental musical efforts or pretty much using conventional formulas with a little twist for mainstream consumption. That mix of ska, soul, drum and bass along with more common Filipino rock got me grooving all night. Before we left we had already bought copies of Kampai’s CD and Nyko Maca + PLAYgROUND’s. Maybe I am falling in love again with Filipino underground music. Maybe.

A few hours of sleep after the concert my brothers and I went to the hospital for JJ’s check-up. Headed to the mall next where we saw a booth for blood typing and all. I’m a Type B. It was about time I got to know my blood type. Kept the piece of paper that the nurse wrote the results on in case I forget my blood type again. Had lunch at home then headed to two other malls and 3-4 hardware establishments looking for a particular paint my uncle needs for his music room. Pre-order. Delivery in three days.

Saturday afternoon an ex showed up with his current boyfriend at home. They’re looking for an apartment for the boyfriend who works nearby. The subdivision’s gay population just got bigger. Gani dropped by in the evening to pick something up and invite me to Babaylan Night at Conspiracy Bar. I declined the invite. Was watching 1408 with the family when he came, which was two hours before I crashed from lack of sleep the whole week.

Tonight Patricia will be arriving from her business trip to Tokyo. Envious she works as a designer. The house – the “brat house” seems a lot more fun now with the cousins and David around even if Portia has moved out. David’s building up his portfolio too. Still haven’t come up with a plan on how to accommodate artistic pursuits while in my current line of work. All I can do right now is fight back the tears.

Wateringhole 081907

2007-08-20T07:00:00.000+08:00

Annyong!

Figuring out what to do to keep me pre-occupied. The dance studio near the house closed down. Friend told me I focus too much on my body already so wall-climbing is also out. And joining the lomo movement has a very high probability of running into Chinese Guy Who Courted Me First in Freshman Year, Former Love Interest Turned Jerk from Bar in Makati Two Weeks Ago or friends of theirs.

Will make my mind up as soon as I am done getting rid of the clutter or once I manage to lie convincingly about stability.

Baboya!

Jeepney Joyride

2007-08-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

We took the jeepney last night. Not really surprised with my brother agreeing with what I had suggested - riding the jeepney on our way home from the bus station even with the heavy downpour. Jeepney rides are a guilt-pleasure. Public transport in general is fun.

* * * * *

After taking mom to the station we bought 2 DVDs from a shop in Dapitan. Both are collections of horror/thriller/slasher films. With watching these films I hoped to clear my mind of thoughts about Paul and have nightmares every night instead of dreaming about him or some other guy I’m not supposed to encounter in the dream world.

It’s not working.

Peek-A-Boo

2007-08-17T21:00:00.000+08:00

Brother from London and mom dropped by at work this afternoon. It’s no longer a secret that mom’s the eldest sister of a member of the board of trustees, that I am also a nephew of a former member of the board of trustees and that mom happens to be a friend from college of one of the most disliked and influential employees at the office.

I crave to keep experiencing being treated like everybody else in the corporation or a somebody out of merit and not to get noticed only for the “connections.” It’s laughable to think that Tuesday will be the same as all the other days before the whole office found out about the family.

Now I am reminded of how it was back then, one of the reasons actually, why I left my first job.

Wateringhole 081207

2007-08-12T19:42:00.000+08:00

With your seemingly perfect personal philosophy, can’t it really accommodate someone like me? Has it ever occurred to you to consider that inspite of everything it is remotely possible that I am worth it despite everything inside you telling you otherwise?

Parting This Way Sucks

2007-08-11T23:55:00.000+08:00

There are times wherein situations such as this demand a reaction to give it justice. For after considering the gravity of the circumstances, in the absence of an actual action (that can be a scream, a shout, a dialogue or any other physical manifestation of what is felt) the situation, in the eyes of the world, becomes demoted to another trivial matter which translates to a betrayal to the actual emotions involved.

As often as these things which we do find ourselves in occur in our short human existence it’s during these moments that we feel mostly alive which partly explains why I am so.

What comes after the incidents are not only interpretations of whatever is felt or translations of the value these incidents have affected us but are more importantly validations of our existence.

What I feel is real which is why…

* * * * *

The cab ride back home
Each streetlight that breaks me
Adds more weight to a already heavy heart
I blink once in a while
Unmindful of the lonely tears
running down my cheeks

Small Talk with the Former Boss

2007-08-10T09:19:00.000+08:00

After weeks of not talking to her, since her promotion as head of marketing, I finally talked to my former boss. I never intended to. How was I suppose to know that she’s show up at the same time and take the same elevator I take. She usually picks one of the elevators facing the building’s entrance.

Peejei: Good morning ma’am.
Former Boss: Good morning.
*silence *
Former Boss: Why are you wearing sneakers?
Peejei: My leather shoes are upstairs:
Former Boss: That’s against the rules.
Peejei: I do this every Friday. Wear rubber shoes on my way to work but when I’m inside the office I put the leather ones on.
Former Boss: Why do you do that?
Peejei: I look better in denim and rubber. Not denim and leather. But I’m alright with looking stupid at work.
Former Boss: *laugh *

Witch.

Third One’s a Charm

2007-08-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

Current regulars had just gone through another shuffling, narrowed them down to three for “I love me” or “Oh sweet baby” or “Fuck me please.”

Kid Dancer’s still aboard. The second time we met he asked if I’ve seen him on TV. I asked him if I looked like the type who had time to watch reality shows or noon-time shows or anything else he has been on. I laughed at the situation. Kid Dancer’s the sweetest – we could make-out for hours like teenage lovers.

Dancer from the Red Light District’s come back also. He says his relationship with this new guy is doomed to fail because of too many secrets. Dancer from the Red Light District’s the best I’ve worked with so far. I love it whenever we do something new when the other least expects it.

Then there’s Blue Eyes White Dragon from Fuck Season 2006 – the amazing bottom boy who looks like he came out of an anime. The downside is that he doesn’t top. He and Dancer from the Red Light District left me because I refuse to commit to any of them. I guess they’re finally alright with the casual set-up.

I still tell myself that I prefer dark-skinned boys over them. Them and their light skin tones. I don’t think it’s not that I’ve given up looking for a fellow brown monkey to play with. A break, that’s what this is. A few months for some readjustments.

Keep Dancing While I Lie on the Floor

2007-08-05T20:59:00.000+08:00

I meant everything I said last night. Stay out of my life.

Couldn’t bring myself to keep partying with the rest at Government anymore so I left early. Before midnight I had found my company too suffocating. Staying longer would’ve resulted to the near-death of my ill-cared for recent reincarnation.

Earlier, we were at another bar where I had been asking around for anything to help me forget where I was – powder, pill or grass. I never bothered to come up with my own party essentials since I don’t do this as much as I used to.

Aside from the two Boracay residents, everybody else was a stranger. So I started to get friendly. Met Vince Driver, Villamor Swimmer, Dancing Ricky, Bitter Notnot, Doctor Cliff and Patient Cesar. And Ben Whore. Huge Fun Girl, Beauty Queen and Recently Employed Female among others. Nico Birthday Boy had an equally interesting circle. Bloggers, more Boracay party-goers, the usual gay Makati crowd.

Then you showed up a little before midnight. In parties like this, I may be Drunk Drugged Dumb Dancing Dude attempting to converse with strangers because I am too nice for my own good but I’m happier being this than your default party personality which is Clean Sober Fake Jerk.

The scene outside the building with Bobby, well, that’s twice in two years already. I’m stopping before it becomes a habit.

On The Asia’s Dependency Transition Project

2007-08-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

Funded by organizations like NIA, UNFPA, IDRC and the MacArthur Foundation, the National Transfer Account Project is led by Ronald Lee of the University of California – Berkeley and Andrew Mason of the University of Hawaii – Manoa who both serve as co—directors.

The National Transfer Account (NTA) Project aims to develop and apply a comprehensive system to measure economic flows across age groups and analyze the interplay between age, policy and macroeconomic performance to answer questions like: how and why do economic flows vary with age? How will changes in age structure affect our economies? And as well as aid policy-makers on issues related to the economic lifecycle transfer, saving and investment, fertility and immigration.

Globally, demographic transition has brought about two changes in age structure: that the working population may be increasing right now but would eventually decline through the years, and that in the dependent populations the share of children is declining and the share of elderly is increasing.

Three papers were presented in last Fridays’ briefing/seminar. These are: Demographic Dividends by Dr. Andrew Mason, Using NTA: Some Economic Implications of Change in the Philippine Population Age Structure by Mr. Ian Salas, Using NTA: Support Systems for Children in Low-Income Households in the Philippines.

With the main purpose to aid in the study of the population development link, the NTA is a comprehensive system for analyzing economic lifecycle systems. Intergenerational transfer, which refers to the reallocation of economic resources across population age groups, plays a central role in the linkages among age structural transition and economic variables.

Furthermore, the NTA system measures at the aggregate level economic resource flows from members of one age group to another age group for a prescribed accounting period. This approach assumes that population age structure affects how much is produced, consumed and reallocated within the economy, reallocation affect the accumulation of wealth of individuals as well as the economy, and lastly, that changes in age structure affect how resources are reallocated.

With regards to reallocation, support systems refer to systems for reallocating economic resources from surplus to deficit age groups. The two reallocation systems classified are: 1) the governing or mediating institution (public and private sector reallocations), and 2) the economic form of reallocation (assets and transfers).

In answer to the issues on how and why both the economic lifecycle and the systems governing economic flows vary Dr. Mason pointed out that changes in the economic lifecycle may be reinforcing the effects of change in the dependency ratio, “costs” of children may be declining more slowly than the number of children and “costs” of the elderly may be increasing more rapidly than the number of elderly.

At present, there National Transfer Accounts Project has teams in Japan, Australia, Brazil, Chile, China, Taiwan, France, Thailand, India, Mexico, Indonesia, Philippines, Sweden, Uruguay, South Korea, Kenya, Nigeria, United States, Austria, Costa Rica, Slovenia, Hungary and Finland all working to develop their own NTAs.

After considering the infancy of the project, the last two presenters last Friday never did provide their own assessments of the findings of their studies in relation to national policies. The lack of insight from them disappointed some people present including myself. Implications of the data on current national policy is one thing that the whole exercise lacked.

In time I hope that the NTA Project shall have achieved its goals with a refined methodology, compiled an extensive set of data for all the countries involved to help policy-makers develop appropriate economic and population policies in relation to the role of age in the economy.

Yep, It’s Him Alright

2007-08-02T09:56:00.000+08:00

One of the things I do in my spare time would be read blogs. Blogs authored by those that I don’t personally know are like secrets shared. Here’s one of my secrets…

My lack of skill in writing has made me a sucker for writers. Even if the subjects are things that I’d immediately dismiss become interesting whenever presented effectively. That’s why I enjoy reading his blog. It never did cross my mind that I may have seen the writer before until a recent entry of his mentioned something distinctly the author’s and that of someone else. With much eagerness I messaged Gani to check the blog to confirm something – that this blogger could be the guy I saw outside Bed four years ago.

The Flashback

We arrived early to drink in one of the bars outside before going dancing. I
also needed to drop by Pride Exchange to check-up on the items I had consigned
there. A friend’s French boyfriend showed up. The whole time he was with us he
kept hitting on me and two other moreno companions. Laughed at the whole
situation – I don’t give in to people who see me as just another indigenous gay
monkey in third world Philippines.

Seated at a table infront of
Bed’s entrance was a guy I was strangely attracted to. It seemed like he was
watching me the whole time French guy was trying to get together his fantasy
jungle orgy. As I passed where he was seated on our way inside the club he
flashed me a smile. At least I think he did.

Inside Bed, thoughts
of the guy outside were immediately dismissed. Figured that anyone as hot as him
can’t possibly be attracted to someone as plain-looking as I am. Moments later I
spotted him inside, standing an arm’s length away from where my friends and I
were gathered and he was smiling at me. But that was it. I was and still am too
spineless for encounters of this sort.

Now here I am romanticizing all of these. Didn’t think that horny, dysfunctional and hot were the ONLY things that mattered in the community. Bailed out of the scene years ago because of this among other reasons.

I am so stupid.

The SMS

“Yep. It’s him alright. Sorry if it took me a long time to reply. My my my, strange if not scary things change people.” – August 2, 2007 1:45AM, Gani

Bahaghari

2007-08-01T10:38:00.000+08:00

Showed up for the alumni night of this year’s batch of Philippine youth ambassadors to the program last Saturday. Having met up with three other batchmates at Tiendesitas in Ortigas before heading to the resort in Rizal, the usual catching up transpired with the two whom I haven’t seen since December of 2005 while the last time I partied with the other batchmate was October 2006.

There weren’t that many members of the alumni association that showed up which was a big difference from the time it was my batch that performed. 2005, the functional hall of the same resort was packed and a lot of them were standing already for lack of seats and for a better view of our batch that was rumored to be composed of members who are not only fairly beautiful but at the same time with attitude problems.

Batchmate Yana was a part of the 2007 training team led by Daddy Glenn (he lost a lot of weight due to an operation he had recently).

The simple plan to just attend the event and welcome the new batch, after much deliberation, changed into an overnight engagement where I ended up borrowing a friend’s shorts for swimming, getting a bit drunk from a bottle of San Mig Light and a glass of punch (makes me wonder how things will turn out on Saturday if I get drunk this easily), over-eating till 3:30AM and avoiding the chairman of the youth commission for fear of being recognized.

Despite not having brought anything else except my phone and an almost empty pack of cigarettes, the following morning with friends still remained fun even after being locked inside the room because the door was jammed and the heat from a 9AM Sun on a Sunday.

Looking all crappy, messed up hair, oily skin and breath that’s anything but sweet, Batchmate Joe and I went to SM Megamall for a quick bite before I went home. Banana Split and a soda – I needed sugar. Joe went back to Cebu last night. Looking forward to next year’s general assembly in Cebu. Hopefully batchmates from the other countries will make it.

Found out that Batchmate Rosie was granted a scholarship to the same school that I really really really really want to go to for graduate studies. E-N-V-Y. Happy for her nonetheless. E-N-V-Y.

Sporadic Sappy Sulking Sheep-Self Self-Shooting Series 073107

2007-07-31T10:23:00.000+08:00

And in rare occasions I am drunk, drugged, and crushed because of “his” absence

And when I’m in the company of equally dysfunctional friends someone’s bound to start blurting out inane things like: “Since we’re both looking for a boyfriend, why not give ‘us’ a try?”

And while I start feeling that the world’s conspiring against me everyone wants to hook me up with somebody… then they would decide against it because they remembered it’s me.

And although usually surfing the net would be a good enough distraction from stupid thoughts during times like these, I come across this text online: “My greatest fear… is that I’m good enough to f*ck but not good enough to love.”

And in spite of it all, I manage to get by guised to...

Fuck this.

I’m sick and I’m beautiful.

Selamat Petang

2007-07-25T16:01:00.000+08:00

Was at the smoking lounge to read up on a proposal being worked on by my boss before I could prepare the numbers to back it up. With classical music on, a pen in one hand and a cigarette held by the other, being alone in the smoking lounge can be very relaxing.

Then someone shows up. I was going to ask him if it was alright that I not turn off the music being played but forgot all about it when he took out his rolling paper and a plastic container filled with tobacco.

In Filipino, I asked him what he was smoking. He responded with an “I don’t understand” in English. Turns out he’s Malaysian so I was immediately reminded of friends from Malaysia and my Indian foster family in Kuala Lumpur.

I told him about my trip to his country two years ago, how clean and advance KL is (although he did point out that Makati is bigger than KL), Putrajaya (where they transferred a lot of national government offices), Batu Cave, shopping for Himalayan trinkets near their own Chinatown and jumping from one house to another during Hari Raya and everything else that I could remember of my trip to his country.

Being the geek that I am we discussed his employers contracting the services of Filipino workers for their off-shore projects including why they prefer Filipinos to work for them. I also talked to him about his country’s popular use of bio fuel and the Malaysian government’s support for such an environmental initiative.

The Malaysian works for Petroliam Nasional Berhad (a.k.a. Petronas) and is here right now to inspect a drilling project in Mindoro. I read about the Petronas drill project in the papers last weekend.

* * * * *

Goh, also a Malaysian, used to roll his own cigarettes too. But unlike the Malaysian I met this morning who smokes tobacco from his country, Goh preferred tobacco from England. 2005, Goh took my best piña barong for his collection while I got a pair of sandals made of camel leather in exchange. He wore the barong last quarter of 2006 for a special event while I have stopped wearing the sandals last year because they literally murder my feet.

Precious Bed Chex Dancer

2007-07-24T08:01:00.000+08:00

Come Closer My Precious

Friday and Saturday had my great grandmother on the news for being one of the oldest recipients among the senior citizens (about 5,000) issued the new Philippine passport. She was unsurprisingly disappointed with what the papers did publish about her for missing one thing she’s very much proud of – her middle name which happens to be my middle name too.

Weeks ago during grandfather’s interment, mom would stress that death does not choose exactly who it takes, that it does not necessarily follow that if you’re old, you’re next. “Lola Mon” is my grandfather’s aunt. She still rides the jeepney going around Metro Manila, travels to our province by bus with a fellow elderly riding with her, dances while a family member plays the piano during gatherings and always talks about how fitting or appropriate it is to be a lawyer by virtue of the family we are born to.

Sometimes I imagine her draining the youth out of unsuspecting strangers.

More Pre-Coital Bed Talks

Older Engineer: You look like a classmate of mine at *university * …
Peejei: Really?
Older Engineer: Yes. When I first saw you I really thought you were him. Same height and built too.
Peejei: Is that so… You can pretend I’m him tonight. I don’t mind.
Older Engineer: It’s not gonna work. He’s a top.
Peejei: A top? That can be arranged.

* * * *

Peejei: So when was the last time you had sex?
A Little Bit Older Engineer: You were the last one.
Peejei: Are you kidding me? Wow.
A Little Bit Older Engineer: You were the last. I’ve been busy. When was your last?
Peejei: Tuesday.
A Little Bit Older Engineer: *blank*
Peejei: What? You think I’d wait for you?

Daniw & Chex

Even before we started drinking we’d already began talks about loving, finding love again and losing love.

“How can I give up everything in exchange for that which is intanginable?”

It’s not fair to be thought of as unfit for relationships because of my habits. I wouldn’t be here if I had someone addicted to me and I to him. There are days that I think I do it not because I want to but because it’s expected of me… and boredom.

“You’re going to feel empty all your life.”

And I’m scared. And then my astrology forecast for next month says positive things, things that I want to hear. And I’m willing to wait and pretend and lie to myself and I don’t know what else. Next month. Positive things. Astrology. And I’m scared. So I’ll keep lying to myself even if I do know better. A few more days.

Missing a Dancer

I think he meant it this time… Damn. He got me.

Si me perdis, te perdam (Waste me and I'll waste you)

2007-07-15T14:35:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time

Yesterday’s paper had this article on the business section about signs at work on being possibly eyed for promotion and I’ve finished watching this film at home that’s about a hardworking individual putting up with all the crap in the industry she was employed in which ofcourse ended happily – her persistence in going against the odds of coming up with exceptional output, pursuing passions and uncompromising one’s integrity.

'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine

Initially I was looking forward to write this entry as another opportunity to revisit past events this week at the office eventually wrapping it up with more curses because despite my better judgment, my ill feelings towards some officemates demand recognition, I will do my best to come up with a more optimistic piece or even just conclude the whole bullshitting on a positive note.

And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure had fun, so

Everyone at the office, that doesn’t include me, appear to be looking forward to the staff augmentation, transfers and promotion scheduled to happen this month or next. While I may have received unforeseen management actions that have raised me up a bit in the organization a few days ago, I have yet to be offered a much more proper position and salary commensurate to being their new blow-up doll.

I'm gonna fuck it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path

After reviewing the past somewhat decent work-related entries, I have pictured a slightly emphasized bratty version of myself which I am a little embarrassed about, although there was no mention in the past entries that my employment in current industry was brought about by my desire to simply give back to the country what I have been unselfishly granted, a good education, in a state university.

And if you wanna make sense
What you looking at me for
I'm no good at math

So if my demanding to be in a position that would allow me to properly serve the people by maximizing my potential is wrong, then perhaps it’d be best that I resist all desires of community service and just be another corporate slut and because despite having a good chunk of the population being that already, the whole world cant seem to have enough of them. Corporate sluts I mean.

And when I find my way back
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake
I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake?

While I was in college I had planned that by the time I’d be 25 I shall have finished my MA then PhD at 30. Now everything’s been moved back 5 years which kills me just thinking about it. Especially because things just might get worst. My thesis mates are doing better than me with their careers and I’m left to deal with Ursula, Morgana, and the rest of those female Disney villains.

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

Last Monday I had every intention of giving another narrative of more disappointing things regarding dealings with co-workers as soon as I get home. By the time I was about only 20 steps way from the house the girl at the Korean grocery nearby called me. Then I found out about my two-year old niece’s seizure minutes earlier and that she had been rushed to the hospital by my cousin and brother just a few moments before I arrived.

Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste for
A well-made mistake, I wanna make a mistake
Why can't I make a mistake

Her confinement at the hospital for three days partly brought me back to my senses somehow – the importance of family, pursuing passions, and standing up for one’s beliefs and actions among other things. I do recognize my own weaknesses but I am doing my best to be a better person. All that has happened, is happening and will happen that is both good and bad will lose its value if they have not affected me in one way or another to change for the better. That’s what I believe in. That’s what my grandfather believed in too.

I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

My niece is recovering now and my youngest brother will be back from London this Tuesday – summer break. As for work, I’m going to make them love me whether they want to or not, force them if I have to even. Besides, I have now been recognized as an indispensable entity in the corporate planning division when I haven’t really even started “trying” to impress them yet.

**text from Fiona Apple's A Mistake

Putangina: Another Episode of Self-Loathing at the Workplace on a Monday Morning to Start the Week Right

2007-07-09T10:43:00.000+08:00

Characters:
Peejei – fag interrupted
Jupiter – the planet
Princess Jasmine – of Aladdin fame

Setting:
Outside Peejei’s house at 5:30am Monday
Peejei is smoking and drinking coffee
Jupiter and Princess Jasmine are cleaning the car

* * * * * *

Peejei:
Brainless! Idiotic!
Witless! Moronic!
One of these days
I swear

Princess Jasmine:
What’s happening?

Jupiter:
Work woes
You know how it goes

Princess Jasmine:
Does this mean we’re breaking into a song?

Jupiter:
Yes Jasmine
And today’s theme is
“Everything’s Going Wrong”

All:
Everything’s going wrong

Peejei:
“Do this Peejei”
“Do that Peejei”
Half of the work I do
aint even in my job description
“Do this Peejei”
“Do that Peejei”
Yet at the end of the day
There’ll still be no recognition
“Research on this subject”
“Review that proposal”
And it’s all due on the same day

Jupiter:
Relax, watch a movie

Peejei:
I don’t have time to go to the movies

Princess Jasmine:
Transformers is good
Order of the Phoenix is next!

Peejei:
I’d rather have sex

Princess Jasmine & Jupiter:
Yes to sex
*sighs*

Peejei:
“Be ready for the presentation tomorrow”
“The GM needs that stat report now”
“Budget proposal due next month”
“Market analysis”
Damn you woman
Damn you sir

Jupiter:
Then delegate!
Assign!
Devolve!

Princess Jasmine:
What do all those mean?

Peejei:
Delegate?
Those brainless, idiotic, moronic, witless people?
*pause*
I did that once
And when everything blew up
Because of their incompetence
They blamed it all on me
Assign? Just the clerical stuff
That’s for sure

Jupiter & Princess Jasmine:
That’s for sure

Peejei:
Others complain about trivial things
Which is so immature and unprofessional
And me?
It gets lower
Like 6 feet under
Have you ever had someone say this to your face?
“Ang kapal ng mukha mo”
For being better than them
or have you been taken out as emcee
for the corporation’s anniversary dinner
and then reassigned as an usher?

Princess Jasmine & Jupiter:
*gasps*
They did that?

Peejei:
They did that
Among other things
The list goes on and on and on
and on and on
and on and on
and…

Princess Jasmine:
Oh my
Wait!

Peejei:
What is it?

Princess Jasmine:
What are you wearing to the anniversary dinner?

Jupiter:
Jasmine…

Peejei:
No more
No more

All:
No more

*pause*

Jupiter:
Where are you going?

Peejei:

Back to work

Saturday-Sunday Alu

2007-07-02T10:10:00.000+08:00

I left for the province at 10:45PM Friday night. Myk felt bad that it has been two weeks since he last slept over at my place. We’ve both been preoccupied with work and the last weekend meeting had to be cancelled because of some things I had to attend to.

Saturday’s oath taking ceremonies at the provincial capitol got me all reminiscing at the two years I spent working there. After the ceremonies I visited the planning and development office where I was last assigned to and then the provincial board secretariat where I was first employed in.

Immediately after lunch my sister and I went home for a quick change of clothes for a wedding at Bantay, Ilocos Sur. W almost stuck with the abel iloco/piña ensemble we already had on but we reconsidered since we weren’t playing any important roles for the wedding.

Knowing that a bunch of people from UP Diliman, DLSU and San Beda Law would be present I Really felt obligated to market myself to the guys attending.

When the wedding was over we went straight home for one last change of clothes, packed my things, dropped by McDonald’s for drive-thru dinner then I’m off… back to Quezon City on a Sunday to clean my room, watch the classic Transformers movie where Optimus Prime dies and season 3 of the classic Transformers series.

I didn’t get to iron my clothes because at around 3PM we didn’t have power in our block. The people at the power company are jerks. The power came back on at 3AM this morning. I was still up. Now I’m at work.

An SMS from the bride yesterday:
“Thanks so much for coming. Eric’s brothers in the fraternity thought you were also a fratman. Hahaha”

So much for trying to market myself as a single gay guy.

Not This Time

2007-06-27T12:23:00.000+08:00

Work

Purchased a new phone last week. Anxiety and perhaps even depression are the culprits for this stupid acquisition. Stupid because I’m ill-compensated at work and yet here I am spending what little I receive on things I can honestly live without. I think. And although my occasional shallow self has been happier lately despite being penniless and the delayed office order regarding my rise in the corporation’s hierarchy of crazies, my phone’s wallpaper has this text on it: “Don’t tease me if you can’t please me.” Right.

Work

Following the 3-month suspension of the marketing head, my evil boss is now the officer-in-charge for the marketing department leaving me at the corporate planning division. While someone has been assigned as head of my department I am still left with no division chief (my direct supervisor) to answer to. Question: Is it necessary for the office to issue an officer order assigning me as the division’s OIC or do we simply assume that I already am the OIC even without an office order because I am next in rank?

Work

This morning I transferred all my stuff on the other side of the division’s work area. Not as a display of authority but to have a better view of the rest of the workplace and the officemates who have been bickering about me since last week. I am confident that the details of my outburst the other week inside one of the department manager’s offices (discussing not-so stupid stuff) haven’t been made known to them yet.

Work

I would love to break the fourth wall but I honestly lack the strength to do anything of that sort at the moment. Starting to think that all I’m doing really has no value… that all this, limited to me perhaps, is just another dumb arms race. Last week I managed to blurt out to household members my career plan for the next 5 years – fun and challenging. But why do I even bother? My occasional shallow self tells me to just keep moving forward and adopt what has driven others before me – money.

*blank *

Lastly, Sadie Ama’s Falling and Cultured Pearls’ Not This Time have got me feeling… lost… again.

evil laugh

2007-06-20T10:02:00.000+08:00

The marketing department got a very odd call the other day…

New employee: Good morning. Thank you for calling *name of company*. How may I help you?
Caller: Is *head of promotions* there?
New employee: Sir, she’s in a meeting right now. May I know who’s calling?
Caller: Is *head of client relations* there?
New employee: He’s also in the same meeting.
Caller: How about *head of marketing*?
New employee: She’s with both of them sir. Excuse me, may I get your name sir?
Caller: You’re new in the corporation, aren’t you? I’m (insert name of prominent person/former head of corporation who just got out of jail this year) and I’m going to kill you all. * evil laugh*
(pause)
New employee: *evil laugh*

- End of conversation -

A meeting with the general manager was held yesterday regarding the phone call/death threat.

We’re going to die? Not before getting promoted next month! Dammit.

And the new employee? Well she’s a prime example of how crazy we all are at work.

I had lunch with the marketing staff yesterday despite having my boss freak out earlier when she found out through a member of the board of trustees after the board meeting that I might be transferred to the marketing department next month.

Playing “Promotion or Transfer? Highest Bidder!” is STRESS.

Kids Shopping

2007-06-18T16:08:00.000+08:00

Before spending what little money I had left on cigarettes or condoms or lube I told my sister and cousin to go shopping with me. I needed something to wear at the end of the month for my sister’s oath taking and a college friend’s wedding in the evening of the same day and a friend’s birthday in two months, unless something extraordinary or stupid comes up, I’ll be going to these engagements. Three new shirts should be enough. Can’t overdo shopping. Just enough to try to kill the pain of waiting for the god-freakin promotion next month and the madness caused by the strong opposition of very insecure officemates.

On our way out of the mall when we heard a woman’s voice calling out to us. We didn’t stop at first since we had to go to the nearby mall for the toy convention. The woman was persistent. She was behind me calling out and because I try not to be rude all the time I finally turned around to what looked like a Filipino tourist. Pointing at one of the paper bags I held in my right hand she asked there the shop was, catching her breath which I think was due to her overstaying at the mall or lack of exercise. After giving her the directions to the shop she immediately left us. It was the shop that got her attention said my sister. I wish I had the same effect on guys that Paul Smith’s line or paper bag had on the woman.

Two days earlier

Dancer Kid called up confirming his dropping by the house that night after dance class. Although a kid was expected I wasn’t prepared to be with someone who adored me more than any other guy I’ve ever met. Ofcourse the sex was bad but that’s another thing.

4 days ago

I’ve been getting 4.5hours max of sleep per night that week so I was annoyed that someone at the MRT was trying to pick me up. The person was younger, high school-ish, taller than me, built like Myk. He started with the eye contact. I gave no response. Then the light touches on my crotch. I stepped back a bit. He continued doing it so I pretended to sleep. Then he held my hand which woke me up and want to shout at him to stop. Then he gave me a quick kiss on the lips. Inside the MRT while we were packed like sardines.

I don’t entertain guys who try to pick me up anywhere but this time I made an exception out of curiosity… Intrigued at what kind of guy he was to have the guts to kiss me, a total stranger, in the MRT. So we got off in Cubao but we didn’t get off there. And that’s how I met Dancer Kid.

I really thought that having sex every week would be enough to sedate me for the madness at the office.

Why Purple?

2007-05-30T10:57:00.000+08:00

Peejei: I’m wearing black tomorrow.
Brother: Why?
Peejei: Something just died.
Brother: What? Your sex life?
Peejei: …

* * * * *

So I’m at work today… wearing a purple shirt and a purple tie.

Picking Up My Brain

2007-05-22T10:05:00.000+08:00

My friend says that I’m simply distracted. While I don’t necessarily grasp the implications of his pointing out that I spoke of myself in the third person sometime in our phone conversation the other night, it’s a good thing because I’ve always fancied myself as someone special and speaking of oneself in the third person does make me different – and different means special even if others would stress that the “different” meant here is not really a good thing.

With everything that’s been happening these past months, the phone conversation was a very much delayed attempt to not only unburden myself of the little disturbing thoughts breeding inside my head but it was also a necessary activity – reconnecting with a world that I genuinely care for which ofcourse doesn’t imply that the family is anything less than a primary psychiatrist to me.

Current household members are witness to the times I get home where I blurt out inane things that are incomparable to the antics I pull off at work or at the stop light in Ayala Avenue corner Buendia in Makati City when on my way home. Current household members are familiar to the apparent changes that have taken place – my transformation from having an über-positive demeanor to a primitive biped’s occasionally raising my voice when narrating my day at work matched with clenched teeth and a fist in the air or my acting-out fantasies of how it’d be like strangling officemates that I’m very embarrassed to be associated with for their undeniable brainlessness.

While I prove once more that I can be a little bit overbearing sometimes (because it’s work and I can be very passionate about it with the same intensity as I feel for sex) my friend remains calm as if it were a help hotline that I just called up that evening.

“You’re just distracted,” he says which I have to agree with. A lot of activities so fast that I have slightly loosened my hold on my imaginary crutches I almost slipped into that stupid pit filled with white-collar and blue-collar disillusioned zombies. The fiends thought they had me.

Two days after the talk with super friend I’m at work with an aching ass and a hickey on my neck from the guy with the biggest dick I’ve ever had up my ass (I’m trying to be casual about the mark but it’s located on a spot that screams attention), I’m thinking about what another friend said about my writing yesterday, buying new drawing materials for a much-delayed personal project and planning my outfit for Saturday morning’s funeral.

Grandfather would be so proud.

Yesterday: Is this Melancholy?

2007-05-17T08:55:00.000+08:00

Started the day helping someone with directions around Makati. It felt good being of use to someone in need.

Mid-morning my siblings informed me about the partial election results in our province. The family is doing well.

Around lunch time I was waiting for advice from friends on whether I should take the training officer position being offered or wait for next month for the marketing position. I’m definitely not going for an HR position.

2P.M. my aunt called me up at work. I can’t remember the exact things she said over the phone although it sounded more like she was convincing herself that things were going to be alright.

A few minutes later my sister sent an SMS. “He just stopped breathing.”

So I stepped out of the office.

Immediately after that message a friend called up because I was asking for assistance in developing the activities for next week’s team-building activity at the office.

“Jaq arrived yesterday! We’re in Boracay.”
“Hi Peej! How are you?”
“I’m sorry. My grandfather just died.”

Finished a cigarette then went back inside to do the usual paperwork. It was almost a quarter before 5P.M.

* * * * *

Lying on my bed, attempting to make sense of it all, I realized that I really have no idea how I feel about the day that was about to end.

Black or White

2007-05-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

Think of it as a mix of any of the films in the Scary Movie series, then 101 Dalmatians and Pirates of the Caribbean all happening at the same time during the Philippine’s election period.

There’s also a witch living in a corporate building/tower which I imagine to be so much bigger, maybe 3 or 4 times even, than the Mall of Asia.

There’s a part where I’m on this ride that resembled that “anchor” thrill-ride, right after a “small person” chased me.

The witch is My Current Supervisor.

And in my dream… I’m African-American.

Then I wake up. Smiling silly.

I wanted to go back in there.

Doctor's Orders

2007-05-09T07:52:00.000+08:00

“It’s just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when you can’t do anything except ‘be there.’ I want to make him stop hurting but I can’t. So I just follow him around whenever he wants to show me his world.” – The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Characters:

Peejei – fag interrupted
Jupiter – the planet
Princess Jasmine – of Aladdin fame
Dr. Wiltschek Volker – psychiatrist

Setting:

Dr. Wiltschek Volker’s office at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: This is very inappropriate
Peejei: We can put our clothes back on if it distracts you.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: It’s not that. But having to counsel you while there are two other friends around just doesn’t seem right. Are you comfortable with your friends present?
Jupiter: He must have something against planets. You’re one of those secret “other planet” haters aren’t you?
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: No sir. Please calm down.
Jupiter: Stupid earth inhabitant.
Peejei: Doc, I am comfortable with my two friends present for this session.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Alright then. We’ll start with some random questions. How do you feel right now?
Peejei: A little bit cold. Can someone please turn up the heater?

(Jupiter’s color changes, giving out more heat)

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Again. How do you feel right now?
Peejei: I have a monkey in my belly.

(Princess Jasmine and Jupiter giggle)

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: How’s your love life?
Peejei: Devoid of a love life.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Your sentiments on relationships?
Peejei: I can’t be anything other than everybody else’s bitch at the moment.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Why is that?
Princess Jasmine: How come you never ask me questions like that?
Jupiter: Because you guys are always busy doing something else. (giggles)
Princess Jasmine: Like that’s supposed to be an excuse? Can’t he ask me while we’re at it? Can’t you?
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: This was a bad idea. Can I put my clothes back on?

*silence *

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Shall we continue?
Peejei: Ofcourse.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: The next exercise…
Jupiter: Somebody please tell that doctor to stop staring at me.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: I wasn’t…
Jupiter: Earthling please. You’re all the same. Judging me.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Sir…
Jupiter: Make him stop! (cries) Turn those hateful eyes away from me.

(Princess Jasmine comforts Jupiter)

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Tell me what you see in this picture.
Peejei: A monkey in a belly.
Dr. Wiltschek Volker: This one?
Peejei: A monkey in a belly… A monkey in a belly… A monkey in a belly! *pauses * Doc, where are you going?

(Dr. Wiltschek Volker walks to behind his desk)

Dr. Wiltschek Volker: Smoking up some weed.

Princess Jasmine: I brought drinks! Who wants tequila?

E N D

The Devil Wears Praada

2007-05-02T10:42:00.000+08:00

In commemoration of the death of a former self, I would like to propose a toast to one who has handled things professionally, if not seemingly professional in the eyes of those officemates that continue to infest the workplace not only as a weak point of the corporation but rather as something that gives uniqueness to it, provide its identity even.

A toast for one whose coffin is sealed with 3 distinct nails. The first nail is well-crafted, once decorated with ruby stones but have been stolen by The Devil Who Wears Praada (hers has two A’s for that 3rd world kick). It stands for the times The Devil Who Wears Praada a.k.a. My Current Supervisor deliberately looses papers, delays documents needed and demands for close-to-impossible response times with former self’s assigned tasks then blames him accordingly whenever things get unpleasant.

The second nail is equally unique, carved ivory, with the recognizable head of Mariah Carey at the tip. Once more, this stands for the time The Devil Who Wears Praada prohibited former self in participating in trainings and seminars that would greatly improve work output – something that My Current Supervisor, oddly, refuses to consider.

The third and last nail is plain, old and rusty (just like My Current Supervisor), for last week’s declaration of war. I can still hear her terrible voice: “I do not want you in this division. You will be transferred to the administrative division this June or July.” – this from the same supervisor who wanted former self so badly in the corporate planning division. My Current Supervisor has changed her tune.

It is necessary to die and let another self don the battle gear and do the fighting. In two or three months I’ll ask for a transfer to a higher position in the marketing division. Not only for deserving better but because it’s what I want. I’ll get it. Because just like My Current Supervisor, I play dirty, for my sake.

So here’s a toast for former self and the current one, and everybody else in me.

We refuse to be exorcised.

F is for Friday Fidgeting Fruit

2007-04-27T13:26:00.000+08:00

Characters:
Jupiter – the planet
Peejei – fag interrupted
Princess Jasmine – of Aladdin fame

Setting:
Peejay’s house (porch to be exact)
9PM Thursday

Peejei: Where was I?
Jupiter: Your dream last night.
Peejei: Right. Right. So there I was with three other guys having outdoor sex somewhere public. Security shows up and I’m the only one who gets away.
Jupiter: That’s it?
Peejei: That’s all I care to remember. I mean, there was like a bunch of other things before and after that scene but they’re all a blur now. Sex. Freaking fucking sex.
Jupiter: Stress. You need to get laid.
Peejei: You sound like the rest of them.
Jupiter: Come on. You dreamed about it and all that. Go get yourself someone. Do I need to dial the numbers for you?
Peejei: Thank you but no. You get any closer and the atmosphere’s bound to go crazy. Might even burn the house.

*sound of the gate opening *

Princess Jasmine: Quick. Hand me a cigarette.
Peejei: Good evening to you too. How was your day?
Princess Jasmine: It’s confirmed. “Stuck-up chinito with eyebrows that need plucking and nails that require a little bit of trimming” crush is one of us.
Jupiter: Early morning naughty engagement before work?
Princess Jasmine: Shit Peejei. He’s here again?
Jupiter: I can hear you Earth inhabitant.
Princess Jasmine: You take so much space blocking a quarter of the stars in my night sky whenever you’re around.
Jupiter: Menggemengge.
Princess Jasmine: The chinito… the other day his legs were squeezing mine on the way to Makati and today, Paris Hilton’s Stars are Blind plays on the radio. Then he starts tapping his fingers so well with the beat. Nodding his head and stuff. Paris Hilton for guys? Definitely gay. He wants me.
Peejei: Conceited.
Jupiter: Delirious scandalous fag.
Peejei: Pathetic.
Jupiter: Another overdosed prima donna.
Princess Jasmine: I object to that last one. I’m a princess!
Jupiter and Peejei: Menggemengge!
Princess Jasmine: (lowers voice) He wants me… (checks mobile phone) Peejei, your dream last night, go get laid.
Peejei: What the… How did you know about that? I just told Jupiter…
Princess: He sent me an SMS.
Peejei: Gossip queens.
Princess Jasmine: Aaaaw… Nobody loves you anymore? And when I say love I mean sex. Just so nobody gets confused.
Peejei: My most recent fuck happened the other night.
Princess Jasmine: Not in your dream? (Jupiter giggles)
Peejei: Dammit. It really happened.
Princess Jasmine and Jupiter: Menggemengge.
Peejei: You guys don’t wanna hear about it?
Princess Jasmine: Go ahead. You’ll say it anyway. Keep it short. I’ve got work tomorrow.
Peejei: Not really my type nurse guy fucks me so hard I came without even touching myself.
Princess Jasmine: Still haven’t come to terms with being a bottomboy?
Jupiter: The kid’s got issues. How many times does that have to happen for you to stop making a big deal out of it?
Peejei: Point is the sex was great. That rarely happens to me.
Princess Jasmine: Your story sucks. I’m going to bed. (exits stage)

*silence *

Peejei: Did you just fart?
Jupiter: Good night Peejei.

*Music plays: Paris Hilton’s Stars are Blind *
Jupiter exits and leaves Peejei smoking.
Fade.

Curtain.

T is for Tuesday Treacherous Thoughts

2007-04-24T18:58:00.000+08:00

Attended a cousin’s graduation at the University of the Philippines College of Fine Arts last Saturday. Cousin got a merit award for her thesis. About 3 years ago her older sister was awarded best thesis in the same course.

Big Guy Patrick was also present during the ceremonies. He’s a colleague from the youth ambassadorial program I was in. His sister graduated too. Cum laude.

* * * * *

I have no idea how it feels like to graduate from college. I didn’t attend the ceremonies back then, I’ve got no graduation pictures, graduation ring, or a graduation annual. All I have as proof would be my diploma, transcript of records (required documents when I attended law school) and then there’s the university clearance and alumni documents.

* * * * *

Being part of my cousin’s graduation, as spectator, is the closest I’ll ever get to experiencing graduating from the same university.

No tears...

Just...

*sighs*

M is for Monday Morning Mumbling

2007-04-23T11:28:00.000+08:00

A few years back I had this talk with a former convenor of one of the political parties in the college. We were conversing about everything else that’s expected of us: party status, the proposed parliamentary form of student government, ideologies and ofcourse, a certain party member. “Certain Party Member” is goodlooking, smart, an athlete and more, clearly your basic alpha male. The thing is, Certain Party Member/Alpha Male was my superior then (I was mistakenly elected as secretary-general of the party for reasons that are still unclear to me although I’ve resolved that it was because I had a lot of time then to perform as an officer) disregards personal relationships if they get in the way of his goals (oftentimes selfish undertakings). In our attempt to analyze Certain Party Member/Alpha Male’s character we were satisfied with our conclusion: in a few year’s he’d be occupying a good position either in the government service or private sector, and he’d always get what he wants. But he wont have any real friends around to be happy for him. It does get lonely up there I guess.

Sometimes it’s not the lack of a conscience or a deprived childhood that pushes us to be like my former colleague. Others would insist on our own godlessness too. This is not a morality issue. I’d say good or bad but the existence of a Divine Being/s has/have nothing to do with it. Fearing damnation and anticipating one’s arrival in heaven in an all-white sequin dress makes us less worthy of nirvana for our supposed good-acts are driven by fear or selfish aspirations.

Now if we take out all the holy stuff and just be humans, does it equate to anarchy? Agree with this then you undermine man’s mental capacities. A total surrender or blind faith and self-deprivation of freedom in exchange for eternal happiness that no one can attest to its existence or being “real” is regarded by some as one of the oldest jokes/pranks on humanity.

Point. Do we really need a religion to know that we shouldn’t be harming each other even just for the sake of a “better” environment or “positive” atmosphere at home, work, gym or club? It’s funny we have an underground culture that has to do with sex, music, drugs, among others, wherein we follow unwritten rules so as not to ruin the status quo or disrupt the flow of operations of these underground communities… so everyone remains happy. Why can’t that happen everywhere we go?

It’s a Monday Morning. Mumbling at work. I’m thinking of things inconsequential or at the most trivial (to please me).

It’s a Monday. And it already feels like Tuesday Treacherous Thoughts.

Wow Pictures And Stress... But There Are Pictures

2007-04-19T07:14:00.000+08:00

My self-destructive side's making a comeback. Coffee and cigarettes again. I need a hero. Tonight. After the exhibit opening at the Design Center of the Philippines.

An update about boys? Just the usual. Surprisingly the doctor also sent an SMS at around 2am. And I thought he didn't want to do anything with me anymore... the Drama Queen Peejei. Same thing with Chinese Neighbor. Gawd. I've whored myself a little too much these past months.

But I'm honestly contented with Regular Lover Go-Go Boy.

* * * * * * * *
House
9pm

Visiting Uncle: You're looking ok. How have you been?
Peejei: Ok? I'm getting thinner because of stress. Isn't it obvious?
Visiting Uncle: Stress? *laughs* What stress?

He might be right.

Maybe not.

+ + Because a bunch of guys have been asking for a pic and since I don't have a G4M account here it is. Just this one time then I'm back with the boring text only entries because I appear a lot smarter that way. I think.

+ + + This has got to be my dumbest post to date.

Something Inhuman About Last Night’s Over-Indulgence

2007-04-18T12:12:00.000+08:00

There was definitely something in the air last night that made me feel inhuman. The way I approached the table that already had a very good arrangement of delicacies on it. At least a week’s worth of my regular food consumption devoured in one night all because it was my favorite niece’s birthday party (she finally turned 1 yesterday and I gave her one hell of a beautiful dress even I wished the store had it in my size. Kidding.)

Peejei: Damn this. If I can’t raise and spread my legs for my guy tomorrow night I’ll be holding you responsible!
Cousin Mark: Oh gawd. I don’t wanna hear this.
(then Cousin Mark moves farther away from me)

Indulgence. For almost a week I’ve been eating more than the usual, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. This recent development of finally yielding to food, coffee and cigarettes is credited to this summer being very unsupportive of my vow to go healthy. Aside from the usual issues in my oh so gay life, I have to deal with the weather. All stress lately and this has triggered an unwanted comeback of my skin asthma.

Why not go back to whatever it was that has helped me go clean? Religion helped me cope with the addictions. It did. I swear. But recently I feel like I’m losing my religion and this has made me turn the other way around again.

Now I deprive myself of these things for the nth time. Attempting to get back there, wherever “there” is.

I always seemed happier without these things inside me. I really am so much better now. Not many cuts and bruises too.

Damn skin asthma.

I'd Fuck You to Make the Pain Go Away

2007-04-11T09:47:00.000+08:00

Babble babble, Bitch bitch
Rebel rebel, Party party
Sex sex sex and don't forget the violence
Blah blah blah
Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in
Everybody sing along

House music has lost its hold on me. The beats along with the voices used to be able to pull me out of the messes I occasionally find my self in as well as keeps my sanity intact no longer has any effect whenever I push “PLAY.” What I’ve got playing on a loop and echoing in my head since Saturday is Marilyn Manson’s The Golden Age of Grotesque. To remind me of how things were when I was just another disposable teen. Now, people mistake me for one of those bright young things.

We know who we are and what we want to say
And we don't care who's listening
We don't rebel to sell, it just suits us well
We're the bright young things

This has got to be my most cerebral summer yet. Even more cerebral than that summer back in college when I was taking up Math II (college algebra) for the 4th time. I passed for real although I was already considering having to sleep with my gay professor as last effort in case my class performance do not merit a passing final grade. Classes in the Math Building are supposedly promising S&M experiences that I never got to enjoy.

Back to cerebral summer – my brain can only take so much of this.

Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
Godmod grotesque burlesque drag
Doll-dagga buzz-buzz ziggety-zag
Godmod grotesque burlesque drag

Looked through old pictures in the computer. With my current state of mind I found some shots that remind me of Battle Royal I and Battle Royale II thus getting me excited. Making me horny. It’s a good thing. Hear me moan: “Battle Royale… Battle Royale… Battle Royale...”

Start of Daydream Interlude

In my Battle Royale uniform I go to work and shoot the officemate who looks like she escaped from the world of Dr. Seuss. Then I’ll blow up the male restroom with my grenade launcher because the restroom’s not well illuminated enough for me to properly pluck my eyebrows. The pantry would have to go too for there is never any tea available that I like.

End of Daydream Interlude

You came to see the mobscene
I know it isn’t your scene
It’s better than a sex scene
And it’s so fucking obscene

Two years since my last relationship, I finally went out on a date last night. Nothing wrong was said. But I could still see through the dirt being thrown my way. Shamefully I regret the whole incident. Right now I’m just good for sex. Tonight I’ll do it with someone new.

I'd fuck you because I can't remember if I'd already fucked you before
I'd fuck you out of boredom
I'd fuck you because I can't feel anything anyways
I'd fuck you to make the pain go away
I'd fuck you so I could feel something instead of nothing at all
I'd fuck you because I am your whore
I'd fuck you because you are a whore

There are aspects about each of these that are outside my comprehension and being the young fag and unwilling asshole who once in a while refuses to recognize or admit that there’s ever anything I do not or could not know, these unknown things must be filed under madness. With that point made I spin myself round and round and round until I fall to the ground where I laugh and cry at the same time while touching myself because it feels appropriate to do so at this point.

I'm unsafe
I won't repent
So I memorize the words to the porno movies
It's the only thing I want to believe
I memorize the words to the porno movies

This is a new religion to me

**lyrics from Marilyn Manson's The Golden Age of Grotesque album

Once in a While It Does Get Colder in My World

2007-04-09T09:02:00.000+08:00

“He shot the beam of is flashlight into the scrub, and in that bleak, flat light we saw a tramp and a woman in the act of copulation. The tramp rolled over and gaped at us in terror; the woman was Mrs Dempster.

It was Hainey who gave a shout, and in no time all the men were with us, and Jim Warren was pointing a pistol at the tramp, ordering him to put his hands up. He repeated the words two or three time, and then Mrs Dempster spoke.

‘You’ll have to speak very loudly to him, Mr Warren,’ she said, ‘he’s hard of hearing.’

I don’t think any of us knew where to look when she spoke, pulling her skirts down but remaining on the ground. It was at that moment that the Reverend Amasa Dempster joined us; I had not noticed him when the hunt begun, though he must have been there. He behaved with great dignity, leaning forward to help his wife rise with the same sort of protective love I had seen in him the night Paul was born. But he was not able to keep back his question.

‘Mary, what made you do it?’

She looked him honestly in the face and gave the answer that became famous in Deptford: ‘He was very civil, ‘Masa. And he wanted it so badly.’

He put her arm under his and set out for home, just as if they were going for a walk. Under Mr Mahaffey’s direction, Jim Warren took the tramp off to the lock-up. The rest of us dispersed without a word.” (pages 47-48 Fifth Business by Robertson Davies)

* * * * *

I Love You from the Performance Artist

We barely know each other yet he has managed to say “I love you” to someone whom he only knows through sex. Nothing more is shared between us. I tell him the same thing I’ve told the other’s that came before him, “I can’t commit right now” and “I’m only here for the sex and the company” – which really is me being honest.

I Love You from the Doctor

Inside the car:
Doctor/Performance Artist: You’re looking better.
Pee Jei: You don’t have to say that.
Doctor/Performance Artist: I’m just saying you look hot right now.
Pee Jei: And all I’m saying is that I’m still having sex with you even if you don’t say that.
Doctor/Performance Artist: You’re crazy.
Pee Jei: You love this crazy guy. Now strip.

Disappointing how regular people like us end up complicating things simply for wanting and yet not wanting. Disappointing how we establish from the start that we’re only here for the usual fun yet we find ourselves desiring something else or something more out of each other in the end. Sometimes we’re aware of such changes and in some instances, our hearts do betray us.

So I blurt out a resounding no and they insist that we keep seeing each other for sex. I respond without giving it much thought… that I worry it might get difficult for them to stick with me after having developed such unreciprocated feelings. They tell me not to worry, that they can handle themselves. Ofcourse. We’re not boys anymore, are we?

After having expressed my sentiments towards their unwarranted emotions I’d still occasionally hear things whenever we’re together. This new pre-coital and post-coital ceremony of thinking too loudly about me in my presence is annoying. What do they say exactly? “I hope that someday you’d court me” and “I’m thinking how nice it must be like to have you as my boyfriend” among others.

Currently my regular bed partners are older guys. They believe they know exactly what they want although I think we’re all just a bunch of horny, lonely guys drawn to each other for reasons that some of us are too embarrassed to admit and to avoid being regarded as pathetic.

A good lay does not equate to a good boyfriend.

Pee Jei, Sir, Boss or Kuya

2007-03-26T09:16:00.000+08:00

Lalei, my co-worker, seemed happy that we finally got to leave the office together last Friday. We made plans during my first few days at work that we’d leave together because she and I live along the same avenue in Quezon City.

Jeepney ride on our way to the MRT station she asked me if I was embarrassed to be seen with her because we occupy “different” positions in the corporation – she’s one of the utility workers (they buy our food when we couldn’t do it for ourselves and they clean up after our mess) at the office.

I didn’t hide my being surprised with the inquiry. I found her weird because I was the one bugging her the whole time to leave the office with me. Weirder because I worked for NGOs that defend labor rights (farmers, fishermen, teachers, construction workers, jeepney/bus/tricycle drivers, overseas Filipino workers, government employees, etc.) and I’ve been passionate about so since college and no matter how funny this may sound for close friends, I do identify myself with them to a certain extent.

Co-worker Lalei’s asking made me wonder about the extent of our differences…

We’re both under the same bosses, following the same corporation rules, governed by the same labor laws and we’re both on the same side when it comes to collective bargaining agreements and wage hikes.

She calls me Pee Jei while the others call me sir or boss or “kuya” (older brother).

Took Another Medical Exam

2007-03-22T18:58:00.000+08:00

“I’ve unknowingly brought my geekiness to another level.”

Took another medical exam last Saturday.

To be reminded that I’m only 5 feet 6 inches tall hurts. Been telling people I’m 5 feet 7 inches. I’m not short. I’m just fun-sized.

In only two weeks I lost over 10lbs because of work and the new exercise routine I’m on. I’m not sure how I feel about any of this.

Anyway, X-ray guy was setting me up on the machine. His hands lingered on my waist longer than necessary, his body too close. I almost kissed him.

Was happy I had a lady doctor give me a physical. The encounter earlier with the X-ray guy made me a little bit hopeful horny.

Found out that I have astigmatism so now I’m wearing glasses. I’ve unknowingly brought my geekiness to another level. Geeks are hot. So hot. Really hot.

Hint. Hint.

Shuttle Ride Yesterday

2007-03-16T21:29:00.000+08:00

Was on my way to work in a shuttle (Tamaraw FX) where I was seated at the back. Pretty Mestiza Lady across me was wearing a very short skirt and since I too would prefer a stress/worry free morning I faced the back window the whole duration of the trip so she wouldn’t have to entertain thoughts about me checking her out. And she reminds me of a friend from college who now works outside the Philippines.

The view from the back really wasn’t much. Just the usual traffic, people still yawning while driving, others in shuttles were still sleeping, the usual morning grouch who turns into a JERK or an ASSHOLE or a BITCH everytime they hit their car horns when traffic movement gets slower, and sometimes you’d get to see the perky types obviously singing to whatever it is they’ve got playing in their car stereos.

Then I saw him. Goodlooking guy with a nice car having breakfast complete with spoon and fork trailing the shuttle I was in. I thought it was cute to see him that way... *sigh* all neat and driving that car of his to work *sigh* having breakfast because he woke up late after our steamy late night encounter *sigh* and then while he was eating he almost rammed into us.

What the hell was the guy thinking eating while driving during rush hour, in Metro Manila?! What if something happened to me?!

*catches breath*

I got to work in one piece. Celebrated by reducing work load yesterday as well as decreasing my calorie intake for lunch and dinner…

Kidding.

PROPAGANDA: Starting to Feel Maggoty

2007-03-14T19:40:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine sent an e-mail expressing his disgust over the country’s political system and slow progress in terms of reforms with regards to the delivery of basic goods and services, and safeguarding our basic human rights. Same friend insists that we rally as much people as we can to boycott this year’s elections for reasons that have not been clearly stated in his e-mail. If boycotting is his answer to his disappointment with the system then I am embarrassed for his lack of political will. Friend is a doctor, formerly in the public service, who just recently moved to a 1^st world country to fulfill his dream of speaking English with a foreign accent that wasn’t taught locally (in a call center), experience the four seasons: winter, spring, summer or fall (you’ve got to love the song), and lastly to earn so much foreign currency that would enable him to purchase one or more fuel-guzzling SUV’s (the lack of which translates to an unfulfilled existence).

He claims that he’s lucky in his foreign home because his adoptive government delivers big time. He said that while the Philippines’ political structure is infested with selfish individuals or capitalists who are bent in taking away what little resources we have that should be spent for the nation’s development, his new home’s leaders have proven their sincerity in serving their constituents – and the construction of billions of dollars worth of infrastructure and the undeniable strength of their currency as against all others are indicators of such commitment to real public service.

It’s called selective amnesia. Doctor Friend Suffering from Selective Amnesia has chosen to forget certain aspects of his former life as a Filipino living in the Philippines, somewhere in Mindanao. He has forgotten things about his former home that are descriptive of other 3^rd world countries, all experiencing the bullying of imperialist countries, pains of globalization – the results of bilateral/multi-lateral trade agreements with us at the losing end. The big winners of such international trade talks would include his favorite country.

But while this may be the case people like me remain hopeful. The strength of developing countries was felt during the World Trade Organization talks which led to the stalling of said talks then eventually the collapse of everything last year which the WTO has been working on for the past years. Friends and colleagues whom I am confident to support this coming elections with their filing for re-election, their dedication to providing honest service to the Filipino people is undeniable. And then there’s me, having returned to the public service after almost two years of boycotting the government service.

Doctor Friend Suffering from Selective Amnesia is out there somewhere, automatically classified as a hero because of his foreign currency remittances. A hero despite such sentiments or disgust. Overseas Filipino Workers are generally like this – they leave the country for personal reasons and not for their desire to aid the country’s economy. They are not the Philippine’s modern-day heroes.

If you don’t like what’s going on then go and do something about it. We have a participative democracy. We are the government. A quote from a beautiful friend to those who insist on being social non-conformists/free-thinkers who say a lot but lack the balls to do anything to help the Philippines or even just to make co-existing with anybody in particular less problematic: ”It is important to try to be worth the air we breathe. It's even more important when everything else feels maggoty.”

Yes Sophie, sanity is sooooo middle-class.

Office Gossip Progression Series 1

2007-03-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

Last Week

An older guy from the administrative division asked my companion in the corporate planning division, Rachelle, how I’m like as an officemate. Then he asked what my position in the office is. After that he asked who the hell I was and whatever it is that I took up in college to be holding a higher position than his when I’m only 25 year’s old and new at the corporation. Rachelle, who doesn’t really like this particular officemate, answered that I finished law school then she walked away.

Last Week (Again)

Random officemates asking me if I’m married or if I’ve got a girlfriend.

Answer: No. I am not yet married. I’m still single and I don’t have a girlfriend. Although I make more money that you, what I Earn still isn’t enough to maintain a relationship or an actual family complete with dogs and the househelp. But I do get laid during the weekends. Cheers!

This Week

Rachelle told me yesterday after work that about 3 people, all female co-workers from other divisions have approached her individually and asked if I’m gay. She said she didn’t know. I told her to answer “Yes” next time someone asked.

This is getting old. If I were straight I wouldn’t go for any of the women at work. As for the guys at work, I’d only screw around with the general manager or the chairman because they occupy the topmost positions in the corporation. The thing is, unless establishing intimate relations with an officemate would increase my salary or would lead to a promotion, spending time with them isn’t worth the trouble. That and I’m not the least bit attracted to any of my co-workers, male or female. It’s that bad here.

So as it turns out, I might make it to this month’s Flavor of the Month for the office gossip queens.

* * * * * * *

“Sometimes it’s all about skin. Almost always the heart yearns for the skin to protect it. And sometimes the heart rips the skin to expose itself… and it gives us a choice.”

Losing My Hard-Earned Brownie Points to Work

2007-03-09T17:19:00.000+08:00

I’m out of shape. The little muscle I used to be proud of are slowly going away. Everything noticeably reducing in size since I was forced into adapting an irregular exercise regimen.

This week I got to do my full exercise routine only on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I attempted to but my body just couldn’t cut it. Thursday I decided to skip the routine. This morning I only did push-ups and crunches.

Mondays-Sundays are going to remain this way. No more stretching. No more pilates or yoga... I can sacrifice my flexibility in bed since I haven’t been getting laid much lately anyway.

Work has made me lose weight. Lack of exercise has got me looking thinner again. I’ve recently begun to lose interest in sex. This is bad. This job’s slowly taking away everything I’ve worked hard for.

Somebody save me. Please.

Ibuprofen Advil

2007-03-07T09:57:00.000+08:00

I’ve got a headache that’s been worsening everyday this week. No exercise this morning. I couldn’t even do simple stretches without my head making me feel it’d explode if I push myself to go on with the daily exercise. My sister thinks that I haven’t fully recovered from last week yet. I
have to be more careful with what my sister has to say, she’s the one who made me overdose with Paracetamol Biogesic… and she takes Valium like a regular pain reliever.

** Advil WORKS.

Paracetamol Biogesic

2007-03-06T09:54:00.000+08:00

Paracetamol Biogesic kept me floating for a few days. Normally I’d take in a few more to make things stay the same but I couldn’t put off work.

Currently employed as a project officer with the corporate planning division. I’m sure if I stop exercising every morning before going to the office I might feel less stressed out but I am confident that all I need is a little getting used to with my new routine. Seriously, traveling to Makati for work 5 days a week is no joke and not really knowing anyone at the workplace
doesn’t make things any easier.

“If you come up with a good idea to further market the Philippines as a retirement destination prepare a concept paper then submit it to me ASAP.”

But I just got here and my heart hasn’t completely readjusted itself in being more profit-oriented.

Ang Pagwawala ng Baklitang Tambay

2007-02-17T23:07:00.000+08:00

Tama nga naman yung sinabi mo dati na paulit-ulit ko na ring narinig sa ibang mga tao: “Putsa naman tol. Naghahanap ka ba talaga ng trabaho? Anong klaseng kinabukasan ang inaasahan mo sa kakatambay lang sa inyo at nagpadala ng resume sa internet?” Letseng mga online classifieds na yan. Kung sinuwerte yung iba dito, ako naman ubod na malas, taliwas sa nabasa kung astrology forecast ng mga kagaya kong Sagittarius para sa taong 2007. Good luck ba kamo? Suwerte sa career, pag-ibig, etc.? Sabi dun “It’s going to be your year Sagittarius!” Tapos eto na ang Year of the Pig na nagsasabing suwerte daw kaming mga ipinanganak sa Year of the Rooster. Ayoko ng umasa. Nung Enero lang ako nagsimulang maghanap ng trabaho pero kahit na. Putsa.

Di naman talaga ako tanga e. Paminsan-minsan lang ako nagkakaganitong nagbabaka-sakali na totoo yung mga nababasa ko parang yung paniniwala ko sa true love ni Cinderella o yung pagbabantay sa atin ng mga Care Bears na nakatira sa mga ulap. Di naman talaga ako masaya sa pag-procrastinate e. Nagkakaganito lang ako dahil hanggang ngayon di ko pa alam kung ano ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko pagdating sa career. Syempre pinangarap kong mabuhay sa mundo ng sining pero walang pera kaya heto ako ngayon nagpupumilit makapasok sa pribadong kumpanya, magpa-alipin sa mga kapitalista, maging sunod-sunuran ng mga putanginang imperyalista.

Yung isa kong kaibigan sinabihan ako na kung maging emplyado man ako ng mga elitista, ganun talaga yun. Lahat daw tayo ay may kanya-kanyang diskarte para mabuhay ng sa ganun maipagpapatuloy natin ipaglaban ang ating mga pinapanindigan. Pagkaraan ng ilang buwan nagkita-kita ulit kami. Sabi ng kaibigan ko: “PJ, you’re turning into something scary.” Amenado ako, di ko na rin masyado alam ang aking sariling mga pinaniniwalaan at kung makatarungan, makatao o makabayan ba ang ito o hindi... kung meron man.

Kinailangan kong magbago – walang yosi at alak, pakantot. Pa-healthy talaga. Wala na rin yung pagsusuri sa mga kahit na anong mga bagay o pangyayari, paghahanap ng kabuluhan ng mga ito sa ating lahat bilang indibidwal, kaibigan, kapuso, kapamilya, mamamayan o Pilipino. Kasi unhealthy daw kapag masyadong cerebral. Bagama’t hindi talaga ako tumigil sa pag-isip, binawasan ko na ang pakikisalamuha sa mga taong ganito rin ang trip pag-usapan. Ang mga napakatanga o makasariling mga burgis at elitistang plastik na kaibigan ang siyang mga nagiging back-up dancers at singers ko sa mga nakaraang linggo.

Sa susunod na linggo meron tatawag dito sa bahay para sa isang trabaho sa Makati. Mapapakapit ulit ako sa patalim. Magbabago ang ihip ng hangin. Pero magpapanggap akong walang nagbago. Ipipikit ko mga mata ko at pipilitin kong isipin… kunwari kasalukuyang pinapa-ibig sa akin ng mga Care Bears ang aking true love… kunwari may trabaho na ako kung saan di nakompromiso ang aking mga pinaninindigan.

Eleksyon na naman. Tatakbo yata si ate.

Mabuhay ang mamamayang Pilipino. Mamatay ang sinumang nagpapahirap sa kanya.

Seeing Red

2007-02-15T13:58:00.000+08:00

So for Valentine’s Day I was at my cousin’s house spending time with my two beautiful nieces.

* * * * *

I don’t remember having a special someone for that day these past years. It has always been me, myself and I, all three being intentionally single not one of my personalities would go crazy for the lack of a love life but every time this day draws near, everyone and everything around me start being all Valentine-y. All of them making you feel that there’s something lacking in your life and that completeness would never be felt without having a significant other, February 14 or not.

Days before Wednesday I was booked: Beach Boy for Sunday, Green Archer Ex for Monday then Horny Doctor on Tuesday. Sunday, another one of those moments wherein I felt that the more I kept sleeping around the lonelier I seemed to be getting or as I got lonelier the more I felt I needed to sleep around. Tuesday, I didn’t push through with spending the night with Horny Doctor to wait for Valentine’s Day. Although he planned the whole thing I couldn’t go on with it. I’m sure he’d rather spend it with his boyfriend.

The whole day yesterday I’ve been receiving messages from guys greeting me and at the same time inquiring about my dating status for the day. It still strikes me as odd for some of them to act surprised or not even believing me when I tell them I’m not dating anyone or no one has asked me out this year (this must be what happens when you keep telling guys you’re not willing to go out on a date with them but would be fine having sex anytime if they ask nicely).

* * * * *

Last week Beach Boy told me that we won’t find a serious relationship because that’s how it is for people living an alternative lifestyle – we are incapable of commitment and that we prefer and enjoy casual sex too much to give it all up for one guy. I wouldn’t want this – having the world do something to you to make you lose hope in finding love.

I Used to Be Like You... Look at Me Now

2007-02-10T18:06:00.000+08:00

Two nights in a row and all I dreamt of was me smoking and hiding it from my family as if it were something to be embarrassed about. I really felt guilty in those dreams. After about a decade of smoking cigarettes I had to call it quits.

* * * * *

12 midnight and the only thing I thought I could do to deal with what happened earlier was to take a shower. All the cigarette smoke from waiting on friends just had to go away, a ritual of parting… maybe just temporarily.

I haven’t seen Batman and Robin in weeks. Last I arranged a meeting with them I got stood up. Despite that I still showed up last night since these past days made me feel optimistic with regards to being in their company just like before.

Big surprise for me instead. All I got from missing them was a lot of verbal crap!!

“…Don’t judge me because I go to bathhouses… You’re no better than me. You should try it out first and maybe then I’d listen to your opinion about frequenting such an establishment...
…You should put your body to good use. Make the most of it. Go to the bathhouse and you’ll see… You’ll be worshiped like a goddess there. Worshiped...
…We can take you to bars and clubs but you refuse to go to a bathhouse? What’s the deal? It’s no different. You’re no different...
…I used to be like you… Look at me now.”

After 15-20mins I left. We were supposed to party at another friend’s house but I couldn’t handle it anymore. At least before I left the watering hole Robin told Batgirl that I don’t smoke and drink anymore which made Batgirl smile and tell me: “No wonder you look healthy.”

Batman was too busy bragging about his visit to the bathhouse the night before.

If I Was Beautfiul Like You

2007-02-08T09:24:00.000+08:00

I’ve chosen to entertain only two guys this month. A tough decision for a bum who feels that he has nothing else going on for him except for all the sex as narrated these past weeks. Two guys to avoid the occurrence of Fuck Season early this year 2007 and perhaps its also my way of reducing the number of sex entries in this blog even just for the month of February. I myself am disappointed with how things are turning out and releasing all the negativity through sex isn’t of much help although I have used my sexuality to push for better chances in getting a job in certain offices. I really need a job.

If I was beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh and get away with it too
Like you do

The guys (Bohemian Lover and Horny Doctor) this month are just like the rest in terms of verbalizing their satisfaction and appreciation for yours truly’s aesthetics and fuck habits/ rituals/ behaviour/ manner/ whatever. While I do admit to having felt varying degrees of amusement when such compliments are given, such amusement is for the silliness of their remarks instead of my agreeing to the obvious delusions of fellow sex hungry- equally lonely humans. The Bohemian Lover calls me a hunk. Damn. There’s nothing about me that would even just merit such a description. The Horny Doctor said “I love fucking muscle men” while he was giving me quite a good screw. Emotions do tend to cloud our minds from coming up with more accurate descriptions. Muscle man? Hunky? Stud? Hot? And Bohemian Lover said that some guys would find it a turn off if they found out that I’m a manly built bottom boy.

If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt

So I thought I was doing well in avoiding having relations with anyone who’d remind me of my own disappointment in the arts. Bohemian Lover teaches singing and dance in one of the more popular private instructional institutions (not academic) for music. He also moonlights as a dancer for a club in one of the red light districts of Metro Manila. Horny Doctor is a former theatre actor who insists that we fuck regularly.

If I was beautiful like you
I'd be quick to assume
They'd do anything to please me, why not
I see their reaction when you walk into the room

Right now my self-esteem has taken a dive into the gutter (not because of the compliments). Passed my application to a bunch of private companies and yesterday I applied in an agency to help me get a job. My application for masters is due this coming April. I’d prefer working but if I don’t get a job soon I’m going back to school. In two weeks I gained 5lbs and it’s the fault of the bakery near the house. I just went back to my old diet - I don’t know why I stopped it in the first place. The cashier in the Korean store and my hair stylist were the ones who told me about my “slight” weight gain. Two days and things are going back to normal.

If I was beautiful like you
I'd have so many friends
All fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one, I wouldn't have to make amends

My life aint that pleasing right now so I’ve chosen to be with two guys who deliver compliments very well to amuse myself. Sometimes I do end up smiling because of their feeling the need to tell me such things as if it were a requirement to fucking me. Sometimes I do end up smiling because I pretend that the things they say are true.

But that would never be
Never, never, never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me

**Lyrics from the song Beautiful by Joydrop. A friend sang it to me 3-4 years ago. Last week I watched Ginger Snaps 1, 2, and 3. Heard the song during the end credits of the second movie.

Looking for Me?

2007-02-05T13:43:00.000+08:00

Seen him a few times before.
Always meant to get to know the guy or even just fool around.

*blah*

Before yesterday, he already gave me his mobile number in one of those random encounters again.
All I did was send him those long quotes from Ernest Becker but never did I introduce myself.

*yawn*

We finally got together last night, just the two of us.
Turns out he has been looking for me, wanted to hook up all this time but never had the chance to do so.

*smirk*

The sex was good… his being a top at least.
I have yet to try him out as a bottom.
He says he’s tight.

*moan*

There are many things I like about him aside from his being a former theatre actor.

*blink*

Should I go for gold?
I’d rather not.
He already has a boyfriend in the military.

*wink*

Hello January

2007-01-29T14:41:00.000+08:00

The Other Thursday: Let’s Litigate!

He told me that I wasn’t the only strong guy inside the room and despite his frame being smaller than mine he claimed to be equally capable in bed. So I wrapped my legs around his waist keeping in mind that it shouldn't be too tight. It was then that he lifted me off the bed using only his thighs and mid-section for support. After the brief display of strength I let him have me any way he wanted that night.

The Other Saturday: Big Big Big Boi

Him: “Let’s do this again.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “You’re the best I’ve had.”
Me: “I’m not the best out there.”

He may be the "biggest" I've had but he isn't the best one this boy's tasted.

Just Last Friday: Campy Chinese Partee Boi

He asked me if he could take some footage of me being fucked. I told him to leave me alone. My dream of being a pornstar will happen but not anytime soon with someone like him behind the camera. These campy fags are starting to annoy me. I have nothing against them but no way am I going to turn this into a habit and ask for money in exchange for my utmost cooperation to their perversions.

Just Last Saturday: Teacher’s Pet

Him: “Can I take you home with me? Be my sex toy.”
Me: “Bastard.”

Yesterday/Sunday: Ilocano Gym Guy Neighbor

Him: “Why don’t you apply as a gym trainer at Fitness First?”

Ofcourse if you were anything like me you’re most likely going to end up thinking why he’d say such a thing. But if you work out at Fitness First then maybe you’d agree with him. I'm jobhunting. Working at a gym isn't one of my options. I'm not a gym rat and I don't plan to turn into one.

Falling Into Grace Without You

2007-01-28T13:13:00.000+08:00

Crayon Shin-Chan: Peej, what’s happening to you?

I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I’ve obviously made decisions that have brought my life to its current state which is why I’m dealing with it all the best way I think I can. Tried to love everything about it and succeeded but now I just want out.
6 months is too much.
Others think that I’m still enjoying all of this and that my calling for change is as empty as my life… and that even if I were serious about it I’m not trying hard enough to fix things. They don’t know that it’s harder when you’re alone. But I’ve been making progress these past weeks.
This could get messy.
Cheesy Bohemian Mermaid: You’re turning into someone scary.

Not Tonight Please

2007-01-21T19:02:00.000+08:00

It was midnight

The smell of sweat, lubricant, and cherry-flavored condoms still flying around the room

Bed was dampened a bit from getting too friendly with 5 different guys earlier

Ofcourse sleeping on it was unthinkable

My sense of smell goes a little crazy sometimes when it can’t identify each one guy who left a mark in my bed

At around 1am, I cleaned the room and changed the sheets after taking a much needed shower

I think I just missed sleeping alone again last night

A Few Steps Back Will Do Just Fine

2007-01-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

Suddenly Missing ROTC Medic

We were both medics in training. I didn’t finish the military training so I thought I’d never see him again. He courted me when I stopped attending training. Can’t remember exactly when I saw him last except that he was doing rounds at the UP Academic Oval… Jogging. My cousin who graduated from the same college as ROTC Medic checked her yearbook for me for his contact details: a home number, a mobile number and an e-mail address. Checked them all out but nothing worked so I looked him up at Google. Found his photo website.

It’s not that I want to get it on with him or court him this time around. When I turned him down about 8 years ago he was offering something real, raw and pure… which I’ve only begun to understand now and I’d like to tell him so (and because Vain Clubber, Stud with Chinky Eyes and a Lovely Ass, I-Can’t-Figure-You-Out-Chinese-Boy-2, Crayon Shin-Chan, I-Can’t-Figure-You-Out-Chinese-Boy 1, and My First Boyfriend resemble ROTC Medic. All guys I met after ROTC Medic.)

Letting Go and Coming Clean

In less than a week since I got back from the province 6 guys came by the house.

Blue Eyes White Dragon: That same day you came back you left me a message at Friendster?
Me: But you didn’t respond fast enough so I ended up with 5 other guys while waiting for you.
B.E.W.D.: Have you done it with *_____*? He’s a friend of mine. He claims that you guys fucked already.
Me: No. I haven’t met him.
B.E.W.D.: Really? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s hooked up with a guy I sleept with. I hate it when that happens. I don’t like sharing my boys.
Me: …

I need to hook up with a new set of guys for this year.

I no longer drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes.

Recreational drugs are welcome but since I have no money I am genuinely clean at the moment. It’s my greatest achievement so far as a jobless retard. I am now a CLEAN jobless retard. Mom doesn’t know it yet. Might tell her when I finally get employed to double the happiness or shock.

This Helps Me Forget

The Last Part of 2006 Disc 1
1. Stefy – Chelsea
2. Dave Tallman – Save a Place on the Dancefloor for Me
3. Pepper Mashay – Lost Yo Mind (Georgie Porgie Mix)
4. Roger Sanchez ft. Lisa Pure – Lost
5. Belle Epoque – Miss Broadway (Ian Carey Mix)
6. Jupiter Rising – Go (Pop Mix)
7. Beatfreakz – Superfreak (Radio Edit)
8. Fatboy Slim – Champion Sound
9. Master Blaster – Since You’ve Been Gone
10. Chris Lake ft. Laura V – Changes
11. Pleasure Center – Getcha Some
12. Jacinta – Destination (Aurora Radio Mix)
13. Jenna Drey – Killin Me (Mike Rizzo Miami Radio Mix)
14. Sucker DJs ft. Tiger Lily – Firework
15. Cass Fox – Touch Me

The Last Part of 2006 Disc 2
1. Angello vs Latour – Having Sex
2. Armand Van Helden ft. Fat Joe – Touch Your Toes
3. Robin – The DJ Made Me Do It (Ralphi Rosario Mix)
4. Nemesis – Number One in Heaven
5. Booty Luv – Boogie 2nite (Seamus Haji Big Love Edit)
6. Georgie Porgie ft. Joi Cardwell – It’s Over (Mike Cruz Mix)
7. Paris Avenue ft. Robin One – I Want You (Radio Edit)
8. Rockefeller – Do It 2nite (Hi Track Mix)
9. Rogue Traders – Voodoo Child (Radio Mix)
10. Tall Paul & Dave Aude ft. Sisely Treasure – Common Ground
11. Starkillers ft. Gina – Scream (Kobbe & Austin Leeds Mix)
12. The Bird & The Bee – Fucking Boyfriend

"At first he thought it was the weather until he realized that the coldness was coming from inside of him.”

Before the Year Ends

2006-12-30T19:59:00.000+08:00

Track 1: Scream (Kobbe & Austin Leeds Mix) - Starkillers ft. Gina

I’ve been eating a lot lately. It’s not losing control. It has more to do with hating myself. I told the maid that I think I look uglier whenever I’m back in Ilocos. She said “Yes”, agreed with my statement, then laughed. Good househelp like her is hard to find nowadays.

Track 2: Lost – Roger Sanchez ft. Lisa Pure

Last December 24, my nephew and I visited grandfather, had noche buena at an aunt’s place then had dessert at home. Dessert: chocolates, ice cream, a cake I made and tea. Since mom and a brother were out of the country, and my other siblings were in Manila, it was just Karl and me at home. New Year’s going to be different because mom’s already home.

Track 3: Changes – Chris Lake ft. Laura V

Was looking at my resume a few days ago and wondered how far that thing could get me in life. That course I took up in college isn’t much at all – yes, started blaming the degree again instead of remembering that I’ve simply lost the drive to exist and forgotten to dream or to hope or both even. 2007 better be a good one to make up for this year wherein all I did was quit a job after staying there for six months and the performance arts workshop I got myself into.

Track 4: La Discotek - D Ramirez

Mom bought me another ashtray made out of metal. She said most of the clothes being sold in London at the moment were for winter so buying stuff to be worn in the Philippines just wouldn’t be right. But the ashtray came from Dubai. After that brief visit to my brother at the UK she dropped by the United Arab Emirates on her way back to the Philippines. When she went to Africa she brought back a couple of hand-carved wooden ashtrays for me and my brother. This has got to be her way of telling us to quit smoking. It’s not working.

Track 5: Walk A Mile in My Shoes (Tiga Mix) - Coldcut

Crayon Shin-Chan: I don’t want to do that to someone I genuinely care about.
Me: Yeah right.
Crayon Shin-Chan: Look, I really don’t want to ruin what we have.
Me: Hey, it’s not like whatever it is that we’ve got going is worth saving in case things don’t work out.
Crayon Shin-Chan: Are you mad at me?
Me: No. I just don’t care anymore.

FS06 Stud with Chinky Eyes and a Lovely Ass

2006-12-22T14:15:00.000+08:00

Stud with Chinky Eyes and a Lovely Ass took my number from Dude with Breasts who got my number from Thick Older Nursing Guy.

Friend 1: You’re being passed around.
Me: I know.
Friend 2: You must be good with whatever it is that you’re doing with them. Keep it up.
Me: I don’t know about that.

The Revelation: he told me that Dude with Breasts is a drag queen and that he won the recent beauty contest at Palawan Bar. I got fucked by a beauty queen thrice who happens to have a bigger dick than most of those guys who still have issues with coming out or admitting that they’re as gay as the rest of us. I love it. I knew something was up!

By the time I met Stud with Chinky Eyes and a Lovely Ass I was starting to get bored with Fuck Season. It was time to end it.

**I enjoy hugging him. Seeing him makes me happy. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t love him yet.

FS06 Dude with Breasts

2006-12-22T14:14:00.000+08:00

Met him during the time I was still in that theatre workshop two months ago. He said he got my number from Thick Older Nursing Guy. Burgundy-dyed long silky hair and skin that’s so much better than most of the women that I know, that night with him left me with disturbing thoughts about him. His chests were more like breasts to me and there’s that long beautiful hair and healthy skin of his. There was something about him that I just couldn’t put my finger at.
Two more meetings followed. He’s very selfish when it comes to sex but his instrument’s quite a tool to ride. I prefer his more than most guys I’ve done. Although the last two encounters with him just weren’t like the first time. Despite the nice ride I’d be getting, it was his pestering me that made me give in twice.
I'm getting better at acting in bed.

FS06 Barely Legal Teen in the Wrong Train

2006-12-21T15:53:00.000+08:00

The youngest of them all, he wasn’t much to begin with. Taller than I am, slim, moreno but the face didn’t please me at all.

After having stripped of all our clothes he said he wanted to top that evening. I smiled then began to work on the kid who was already lying on the bed.

Barely Legal Teen: Do you kiss?
Me: No.
Barely Legal Teen: Why is that?
Me: I just don’t.
Barely Legal Teen: Is it because you don’t like me?
Me: …

I was in between his legs when he asked for a kiss. The whole kiss talk got me down so bad I was pissed but tried my best not to show it. We were lying side by side, I watched and listened to him… he was staring blankly at the ceiling while stroking his cock, Seemed like he was fighting the tears while talking.

Barely Legal Teen: You do not like me…
(stroking)
Me: …
Barely Legal Teen: You only want to have sex with me…
(stroking)
Me: …

Only a few seconds passed until I decided to quit resisting telling on the kid so I said that the only reason we were where we were was only for sex and nothing more, and that if he doesn’t want to go on with it he can dress up and leave because I can find someone else to help me out.

I ended up screwing him that night... Showed him what it's like to piss me off with such virginal drama when I'm horny.

FS06 Blue Eyes White Dragon

2006-12-20T14:20:00.000+08:00

He’s the only one I’ve met during Fuck Season that smokes. Not that it matters really since I’ve never had a boyfriend who enjoys cigarettes. I’ve grown fond of the older cutie because of his exceptional bottoming skills. Everytime he’d come over we always end up doing something new. Quite adventurous and fit to be maneuvered easily to positions that you just can’t do or would find difficult to execute with someone less flexible or unwilling.

The last time we hooked up he asked me for a Christmas gift: that I post nude pictures of myself over at Friendster for him to check-out when I’m not around. I’ve never been confident enough to do such a thing and I’m not going to start now. There was also an invitation for an orgy or a threesome. Turned him down a second time. Apparently this horny fucker’s still has a little bit of prudeness left.

We’ve talked about fooling around until either one of us gets seriously attached to someone else but I doubt it. It’s all just cum talk really. With the way he works that body of his, he isn’t one you can keep if it’s just sex that you’re after. I’m not the only one with a list of guys to call for some fun whenever I want to.

Fuck Season 2006

2006-12-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

In the absence of a real romantic relationship and the lack of a job or anything else worthwhile to keep me preoccupied in the past few weeks, and in the tradition of all those who somehow surprisingly or not identify themselves with a particular Samantha character in a show called Sex and the City (the number of episodes I’ve seen barely go beyond 5) I have brought back Fuck Season despite the protests staged by my two dearest housemates/siblings.

Before I go on with what could possibly be my year’s highlight I’d like to clarify one thing: I lost the will to write for my blog lately not for the decreasing affection expressed by online neighbors, real or imaginary. Blogging simply seemed less important when I was waiting for that job offer that never came (the theatre company told me to keep waiting till early next year), working out on my career plans for 2007 at least (I’m honestly still clueless about this). I haven’t even submitted my photos yet for this agency that provides extras for film and television (extras… well we all have to start somewhere). So anyway, sex proved to be a worthier diversion other than blogging.

Back to Fuck Season, considering the number of times I’ve done it, if I charged 500 bucks per guy I’d earn a lot more than your average call center agent in a month (but if I charged by the number of times these guy get off well let’s say I’d almost be doubling my salary) plus I get twice more physical exercise in a day although at some point my body gave in and indicators of stress starting surfacing. I knew then that I had to cut down on my whoring activities. Hooked up with strangers, friends, neighbors and even old lovers before the holiday season because if I hook up next year instead I’d look bad with all the weight gained during the holiday season.

Complete details regarding these boy/guys/men won’t be written for I can barely even remember all their names. What I will do is write boring stuff about 4 of them: 2 tops and 2 bottoms so I don’t end up alienating a certain group that prefers either. A kid, a drag, blue eyes and lovely ass to sample just how much I enjoy everyone.

1. Fuck Season ’06: Blue Eyes White Dragon
2. Fuck Season ’06: Barely Legal Teen in the Wrong Train
3. Fuck Season ’06: Dude with Breasts
4. Fuck Season ’06: Stud with Chinky Eyes and a Lovely Ass

Tried over thinking why Fuck Season was relaunched and as expected the whole self-esteem issue came up again. I don’t need this right now. I’m more comfortable with the idea that I got into it because I just wanted to hold on and release… hold on… release… and moan.

“I was born with the worst curse of all, I was born smart and ugly... Or was it dumb and pretty? I forget. Well as long as I got laid honey.”

The Post-Birthday Entry

2006-12-16T16:32:00.000+08:00

Two days before my birthday my sister and I have been busy cleaning the house in preparation for mom’s arrival. Immediately after her arrival I’ve been preoccupied with errands for her non-stop. On my birthday I lost control and told her that I need to stop doing whatever it was she was asking me to do at that time so I could exercise. If it weren’t for the birthday greetings from family and friends I swear I could have forgotten what day it was.
But there really wasn’t anything special that day. We had dinner in some Chinese restaurant in Manila then we brought my mom to the airport bound for London to spend Christmas with the youngest brother. Initially lunch was planned because I was supposed to attend this dinner hosted by Senator Angara. It was cancelled, moved to another day and since dinner was already free the family decided to skip the planned lunch. A friend was also inviting to party at Government which mom wouldn’t let me go to. It was almost 1am when I got home from the airport, exhausted even to have sex.
Still, this year’s birthday was better than the last two. Better than having to set-up chairs in an auditorium for a women’s group’s conference on the eve of my birthday. Better than last year at Tokyo with all the snow in the company of people who really forgot my birthday . It was sadder last year with these fellow youth ambassadors.
Birthdays aren’t really a big deal to me. It’s people remembering you that matters to me most.
So a bunch of people died on my birthday along with one of my personalities... the one that used to care for them.

Blue-Eyes White Dragon

2006-12-01T13:17:00.000+08:00

Kaiba from the anime Yu-Gi-Oh isn’t the only one with a Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

The guy last night was built like those Japanese twinks I see in porn but with a baby dragon in between his legs. He’s an Asian American.
Fascinated with his beautiful blue eyes while he played with mine, all I could do was touch his soft hair and grin like I usually do when I’m high.
Last time I got to be a top was early last year with my ex so this guy being able to bottom, very very well even, drove me crazy until early morning.
We welcomed the typhoon and the month of December with a lot of moaning.
His place is a 5-10min walk from my house but he thinks it’s better that we do it here at my place. Fucking neighbors.
He wants us to keep fooling around until one falls for someone else. I have to stop seeing others to accomodate this one.

I love them dirty boys.

One Year Later

2006-11-29T15:45:00.000+08:00

It’s because of the program that things may have finally been resolved. Conversations with some of these friends regarding issues towards events that transpired one year ago wherein we’ve very much experienced so much together was quite a healthy exercise.

So much has changed. We’re no longer the same. Things are better for us now and we’re happy. Everything about last year, the good and the bad, have done us all some good. We’ve grown. No matter how much we don’t exactly like certain members of the contingent they’re a part of the experience. We cannot claim that things could be better if some things didn’t happen or if only some people weren’t there for that would change everything… and us, at this moment, won’t be what we are now, better persons.

* * * * *

I arrived at Tiendesitas in Ortigas Avenue at 12 midnight to party with members of Paglaum (Hope) which was just in time for that song-dance number on stage. It did bring back memories of way back. I do miss everyone. After the street party we transferred to Temple Bar in Makati for more fun until closing time. Ended up going home at about 5:45am the next day because I went with Bob and Kevin to their place to catch up on whatevers.

It was almost 5PM when the ship left. We had dinner at Marina Restaurant in Roxas Boulevard. The seafood pasta was good. It was the only thing I ate. Joe, Theo and Rosie stayed at my place for the night. The next time I’d get to see them again would be next year. And that would be the soonest.

* * * * *

Two friends… My foster brother in Brunei came to visit. He’s still happy and gay and cute. I forgot to ask about his acting career though. As soon as he got here he’s been asking friends where I am. A Japanese friend came to visit too. She’s still sweet.

“I’m so happy to see you again in Philippines, and your smile is sweet as ever. Keep smiling…”

* * * * *

Two invitations to take part in creating something beautiful next year. Early/Late Christmas gifts? Thank you Santa.

Go Pacquiao!

2006-11-19T19:34:00.000+08:00

Immediately after his victory was announced I asked someone to come over to celebrate.

**I’ll work with an entry of another blogger whose style is as distinct as the mole on my right thumb:
All three guys this week… We made nice. Twice… each.

Sing It To Me Again Then

2006-11-14T18:22:00.000+08:00

“In music a reprise is the repetition or return of the opening material later in a composition such as occurs in the recapitulation of sonata form, though it originally (18th century) was simply any repeated section, such as is indicated by beginning and ending repeat signs.”

This one’s for the people I’ve left, who’ve left me, and those who seemed to have just vanished into thin air and are now making comebacks… That’s what it’s all been about lately for as expected, I’ve kept true to being me allowing myself to play my role again as the very accommodating individual in their lives.

“Reprises are common in musical theatre, where earlier songs are often repeated, usually with slightly changed lyrics to reflect the development of the story. Also, it is common for songs sung by the same character or regarding the same literary motif to have similar tunes, or incorporate similar tunes.”

The exchanges weren’t meant to rekindle whatever it was that was lost but rather to make clear everything that has been left hanging or hidden in the dark all this time since their anything but graceful exits. It is unavoidable for shared moments to be remembered for doing so is necessary in a deeper understanding of the past regardless of whether or not maintaining ties would lead to what is or what was once sought after by one or both persons.

“Sometimes a song of the primary antagonist is similar in both tune and lyrics to a soliloquy of the protagonist when he was in a similar emotional state. At the end of the song, an instrumental portion is played from an earlier soliloquy of the antagonist, in which he was significantly more confident. Or the love song uses the same basic melody as a rousing march and theme song. A song could also be reprised three times after it is first sung, as if it were a commentary on the situation in the story.”

Resolutions with most of them have been reached while I’m making progress with the others as well hopefully leading to only positive results. Some might be painful but there’s a resolution and that’s all I want really. I’ve consciously denied myself of so many things lately so now I’ll do everything I can to get answers even if it’ll only bring about more pain for I’m confident that the pain, just like whatever it was that I’ve felt for them, will come to past.

“Reprise: repeat, recapitulation, revival; a shortened version of a major composition in a stage production used to reward the audience with a repeat of a popular melody, often used as a finale to a scene or an act.”

Trying to skip finding a resolution may be the best thing to do, especially with the option of just moving on without knowing, but there’s a certain kind of beauty in all of this… of finding out the truth. I for one wouldn’t want to ruin the moment as I reach the ending even if everything about this has been predictable from the start.

I Swear I Have A Plan

2006-11-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

~~It’s supposed to be a perfect plan. Once I’m done with this I’ll have the next one coming my way and things will work out fine until another one comes along the following year or so.~~

But where did I go wrong? Indeed there were factors or variables no longer taken into consideration on purpose and yet I strongly felt optimistic then. Optimism, I still have that now only lesser. The astrology forecast even supports me by saying that things are going to be alright by the third week of November. We’re not yet there and still somehow everybody else is expressing their doubts two weeks ahead of schedule.

Ofcourse I don’t need that. I don’t need this. I’m good and I’m definitely worth all the trouble. All I’ve got to do is hold on just a little bit longer and then it’ll all be fine. They’ve always been like this anyway, I tell myself. I’ve been through a lot, proven to them that I’m not one person to be taken so lightly.

And now, their sentiments aren’t going away for instead their words linger for quite a while which I find very annoying. Not with them but with myself. Allowing myself to be affected… Doubting my own capabilities all of a sudden is all too familiar and has become one of my bad habits.

A retreat up north isn’t far from happening. In fact, I’m bound to go home if my current state doesn’t change in a week. Didn’t bother with haggling for an additional week or two. Getting tired of convincing people that I’m nothing like the rest. Depressing how I end up being thought of this way with such a great background.

This has got to be one of those fleeting moments of self-doubt. I know I do this to myself and that only I could pull myself out of this pit. Honestly, do these people have to be so encouraging of letting me stay put in a pit? Negative reinforcement wont work for me right now. At least not in this situation.

~~Can’t I do things my way for a change? I’ll be insistent this time not to piss people off but to show them that I too can be trusted. My head’s not the only thing hurting now.~~

Oh My Lover

2006-11-08T23:39:00.000+08:00

** This day marks the first anniversary of my having met a whole bunch of colorful people from abroad. Some of them sent SMSs, e-mails, attempted phone calls. If I had the money, I would have called them too or even just messaged them. E-mails and instant messengers are my only option.

At the watering hole…

Oh my lover
Don't you know it's alright
You can love her
You can love me at the same time
Much to discover
I know you don't have the time but
Oh my lover
Don't you know it's alright

Was with friends the whole afternoon. Except for one of them, everyone else is enrolled this semester either for undergrad or graduate school. I don’t miss studying but I hope to be taking my masters in a year or two. We might go to Palawan (a gay club) this weekend. They say it’s cheap but the people are friendly as compared to those in Bed or Government (both gay clubs). One of them invited us to watch a play for Saturday. I’m most likely going.

Oh my sweet thing
Oh my honey thighs
Give me your troubles
I'll keep them with mine
Take at your leisure
Take whatever you can find but
Oh my sweet thing
Don't you know it's alright

Other friends were at the table next to ours. Turns out Ica didn’t watch the show last Saturday because Sofie wasn’t able to tell her about it. Ica, Sofie, Rox and JD were the only ones I invited, aside from my two siblings, because they were the ones who were there for me when I was deciding whether to take the workshop at PETA or Mowelfund. An intimate affair… Two didn’t make it but it doesn’t matter. I’m thankful I have them as my friends.

It's alright
It's alright
There's no time
So it's alright

Ryan, not “ex Ryan” or “Ryan I met last year” but “Ryan from undergrad days”. Haven’t seen him in 3 or 4 years. We were just talking about him when he suddenly appeared, happy and showing off pictures of him and his Brazilian boyfriend. He seems to be doing better now compared to before. Change is always a good thing. He was drunk when he walked me to the car.

What's that color
Forming around your eyes
Waltz my lover
Tell me that it's all right
Just another
Before you go
Go away
Oh my lover
Why don't you just say my name

I should be happy for behaving tonight and not complicating my life further by hooking up with attached guys.

And it's alright
Say it's alright
There's no time

**lyrics from PJ Harvey's Oh My Lover

The Day After

2006-11-05T17:20:00.000+08:00

Backstage

While waiting for our turn to perform all I could to do to get rid of the pressure was fool around with another cast member doing cabaret acts while the others were either rehearsing or getting into character. At some point I just sat and kept telling myself this: The stage is mine. The stage is mine. The stage is mine. Once in a while I’d take a look at the audience from backstage. I didn’t see that many people inside so I thought I wouldn’t have to deliver my lines too loudly.

On Stage

It was almost full. But it didn’t matter because the stage was mine again. I immediately spotted JJ, Portia and Sofie who were seated at the back near the entrance. I couldn’t find JD anywhere but Portia already sent me an SMS earlier that JD was on his way. Each time the audience laughed during the performance made me feel more confident since we were doing a comedy. We pulled it off quite well I guess.

Lobby

Everyone kept smiling at me on my way out of the building to mingle with the very few people I invited to watch the performance. Everyone I invited showed up this time. Sofie told me that she overheard someone at the wash room saying that my character was her favorite and JD loved my last line. Same sentiments from strangers while I was moving around the theatre.

It was real. It was raw. It was fun.

* * * *

Tired. Didn’t expect I’d end up dreaming last night of a heated encounter with Ryan (not my ex Ryan but the other Ryan I met last year).